until the spirit new sensation takes hold then you know

I hate the fact that I haven't been posting regularly.  So many things have been happening, and I feel like I have a million excuses to keep me from a blog.  One is school.  I spent most of last week in the library and most of the next couple of weeks will also be in the library.  I have an essay due in less than 2 weeks, and I need to get all of my research done for my dissertation in 3 weeks.

Because I only have 3 weeks left in London.

This makes me want to cry.

I'm just now beginning to realize what an amazing place this is, what a fantastic opportunity it has been for me to be here, the things I have learned that are even now changing who I am and how I see the world, lessons I'll take with me to my PhD program, that I'll take with me throughout my life, I hope.

London calling

It's coming on a month since I blogged last, and even though this last month has probably been the craziest and most eventful in months, I haven't felt stable enough to sit down and write a blog. Or maybe I should say I haven't felt like I could give my full attention to such a task. Until right at this moment: the first time in nearly a month that I have been totally and completely by myself.

I had 2 goals I needed to accomplish this summer. The first was to live in New York and the second was to not pay rent for at least two months. New York: check. Being homeless: so far so good. Since I wrote last I have spent part of a week in a hostel in Boston, a night in a friends apartment in New York, part of a week in a lovely home in Maryland, a night in my old apartment in New York, a few nights on my sister's couch in Salt Lake, a couple of couches in Provo, a bed and a couch in Kamas, another few nights back in Salt Lake and now I am house sitting for a nice girl with a lovely cat while she enjoys a cruise. I'll be here for 2 weeks and then I'm back to couch surfing.

I kind of really don't mind this lifestyle. I don't mind living out of a suitcase and I don't mind sleeping on couches. The best part is that I haven't paid rent for a month now, and I'm getting paid to stay at this girl's house for the next two weeks. Sweet deal, yeah?

After the summer is over I'll hopefully be starting one of my biggest adventures yet: moving to London to do a PhD at the London Consortium (part of Birkbeck College) in Humanities and Cultural Studies. If I can find the money to go it will be a dream come true. Last week I had an interview over the phone with the professor I would be working with and they emailed me two hours later telling me of my acceptance. I honestly couldn't believe it. I was slightly worried about the interview because I could hardly understand the British accents over a speakerphone, and I was uncertain of a few of their questions, even though I tried to answer as if I did understand what they said. Thank goodness for the last 15 years of my life watching Beatles movies, Monty Python and Doctor Who, or I may have been completely lost in that interview.

Guys, I'm moving to LONDON!

Well, maybe. I hope. It depends on a lot of things that I'm working on right now. My goal is to get all the paper work figured out this weekend and send it all in on Monday.

I was looking at the courses I'll be taking this fall and I got all giddy and light headed just thinking about them. Here are some of the course titles: "Coldness: Toward a Political Thermodynamics of Culture", "Down: Meloncholy, Depression and Regeneration", and "Scratches, Traces, Spacings". Does that sound awesome or what?? Ok, maybe I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. I still have to raise thousands of dollars to go.

I was just thinking the other day that I didn't want to wait a year to go back to school and now I may not have to. It feels good to think that I don't have to put my goals on hold. I'm excited.

dance dance revolution

I used to really hate dance. Watching any kind of dance bored me. I couldn't understand the point of the arbitrary motions, which so often felt cheesy and ridiculous. When I taught Humanities 101 I knew that I would have to have a unit on dance, and I also knew that the fact that I hated dance so much would make it difficult. So I decided to try a little harder to appreciate dance, to learn from what I taught my students. It's been a slow process but I think I'm beginning to really love dance like I've never loved it before.

Tonight I went to BYU's Christmas Around the World, a folk dance show that they've been doing for the last 50 years. BYU has the biggest World Dance program in the world, and the dancers are extremely talented. I hate saying this, but I was moved to tears at the very first number, and it was not the first time this has happened. Since I've been trying harder to understand and appreciate dance, I'm finding that I can't help but cry when I watch a dance performance. The energy they create is palpable, and I'm so impressed with the talent that I just tear up. I hate even more saying this, but I cried when I watched the finale of Dancing With the Stars last week. I couldn't help it. Kelly Osborne was so beautiful and had worked so hard, and you could tell how happy she was with herself even though she didnt win. Her experience was life changing and it was really incredible to watch her dance. And Donny Osmond was so humble and wanted so much to have that trophy that he worked his hardest while still being incredibly supportive of the other competetors. It's true he's been a performer for some time, but to dance ballroom like that he had to force himself to change a lot of his habits, and he was incredibly graceful in doing so. I just loved watching these people have so much passion in their dances. I wept like a baby. And then tonight it happened again. I don't know what's happening to me.

One thing that I thought was particularly interesting during the Christmas performance tonight was the Irish dancers. I recognized one of the soloists and as I looked at my program, sure enough she was one of my former 101 students. AND, this is what I love the most, the program said that these soloists were champion level dancers. I had NO idea that this girl was a champion level Irish dancer. Even though she did mention that she danced and that dance was a huge part of her life, she said nothing about this fact every time I talked to her about dance. Such a funny girl.

After the performance we watched Strictly Ballroom, which I thought was pretty appropriate. I loved it so much more this time than I did the first time, and I almost teared up again when the couple was dancing the Passo Doble, one of my favorite dances.

So who would have guessed? It looks like I love dance. I love the energy and the passion. I love how light the dancers are on their feet and how watching them makes me feel lighter. I have been kind of depressed a little lately, distracted and stressed, and I realized today that I'm losing sight of the things that could lift me out of my funk. I decided to watch some documentaries on contemporary 21st century art, and I got that light feeling as I saw these artists create and as their art challenged me and made me feel alive. I'm focusing so much on all the things I have to do, all the research I should be doing, the books I should be reading and the movies I should be watching, that I'm forgetting to have aesthetic experiences with other forms of art. And this bothers me because as a Humanities teacher this is what I try to get my students to understand, that aesthetic experiences are necessary for a balanced and happy life, and here I am neglecting these things, the things that I love so much and that lift my soul. I'm glad I learned this lesson today, and I hope I can make a point to have more art in my life more often.

oh well!

It's so late and I am so tired that I cannot fall asleep.  Today was a little crazy and my brain is still hurting.  I took the GRE and got a full 10 points more than I did three years ago.  You would think after attending graduate school and learning copious amounts of information and new vocabulary words for three years that I would make a vast improvement.   But no; it was instead almost the exact same score.  So what is this test measuring anyway? I think it must only measure how well I take tests, which apparently is not well at all. 

I'm starting to think more seriously about beauty school.  I come from a long line of beauticians.  Both my grandmothers were hairdressers.  And my great grandmother and all of one of my grandma's sisters.  I have an eye for makeup and hair and I love doing it, so why not? Well...it may end up being my only option if academe decides it doesn't want me.  I've got to find some way to pay off all these student loans.  It may also be a life with less pressures than academia, and I can continue learning on my own.  As I said in my last post, maybe now I have to realize that life really is about survival, but I think there is something noble in that.  Surviving and helping others survive, easing their suffering and building them up, is pretty important.  I thought writing and teaching people about art and beauty was what I was meant to do to help make the world a better place, but who knows, maybe there's another way for me.

So, even though this week I've had some set backs, I'm not going to let them keep me down.  The universe has a way of setting things right and I'll find my place somewhere in it. 

academic persuits

I have had an intense couple of thinking days this week.

After convincing myself for the past year that a PhD. is simply not for me and trying an alternative future path, I'm suddenly back to where I was before I got to be so bitter about academia. I've realized what an incredibly horrible attitude I have had, how I've fallen into a habit of super negative self criticism and how this bitterness and negativity has held me back from what I've always known I wanted to do. I don't know what happened that made me so bitter towards school and my abilities, but since this is my last semester taking classes I know that my attitude has changed a lot and I'm seeing now how much I love school, how talented I might actually be and how much I have really learned in the last two years. I can't believe how far I've come in two years. How much my character has grown, how much my skills as a writer, researcher and teacher have been honed. I notice that I no longer shake uncontrollably when I am put on the spot, that I can write a paper with an actual plan from the beginning, crafting the words to make a very particular point (rather than throwing something out there and realizing at the end what my point actually is).

So I see how good this has been for me. I see how I might actually be able to succeed in a PhD program, but I worry about overcoming the negative habits I have fallen into. Can I really have confidence enough in myself to do a PhD program. I used to ask myself all the time "Would it even be worth it?" and for some reason the answer came to be no. But now looking at it, how can it be no? Not only have a grown a lot in the last two years, but I'm also seeing now just how much I have left to learn. A PhD would be difficult but would ultimately be worth it, even if I don't find an immediate, tenured job in academia. Should I give up the talent I possess, the talent I have been honing over the last 7 years? I do one thing well and that is writing academic papers. I am insightful and know how to make connections and am incredibly detail oriented. It's what I do well, why should I not continue to do it?

I should. I need to be more positive and I need to be much more assertive. I attended a panel yesterday with all the women in my department (there are only five) and I learned a lot about what I will have to do in the next little while in order to find myself a good PhD program. Well, most of it wasn't actually new to me, but I feel a new resolve to just do those things and push forward.

I need to research the professors in programs I am interested in, read their works and email them. I am so open right now with an area; I can see throwing myself into any number of topic, time periods, theories.

I need to learn French. This has actually been bothering me for some time now, and I should have been working on it these last two years, but I can still start soon. I'm going to sit in on some French classes this spring and summer while I'm here. I should also look into learning German. If I get into a program, really any program in the humanities, I'll have to take proficiency exams so I can't be lazy about this anymore. I know how to learn a language.

I need to catch up on reading, especially theory. I need to read Nietzsche (for some reason that seems pressing to me). I need to read feminist writings. I need to read journals in my field and see what's coming out right now. I need to read journals from other areas (like art history, comparative literature) to get ideas of what kind of area I want to start focusing on.

I need to try to go to another conference this year and get involved with the ones going on here. There's a Mormons in Academia conference coming up and I think it would be really great if I got involved somehow.

The main point is that I can't sit around on my butt being all bitter and negative anymore. It's ridiculous and it's only holding me back. I love to teach, I love to research, I love to analyze, I love to write and I am good at those things. I can't throw that away.

grades

I found this blog post about the entitlement students feel to good grades. This is something I know a lot about since I am a long time student, a TA for the last 5 years and have taught a Humanities 1o1 course. I have never felt entitled to good grades because of the effort I put into my work. In fact, I put very little effort into classes and have still managed to pull off a 3.82 GPA. The reason is because I produce good work, I have very high standards for myself and I am generally good at what I do. Of course effort is a huge part of that (and maybe I would have a 4.0 if I put in the effort I know I should), but it is certainly not the only part. I know it is frustrating when you put effort and time into something and your grade doesn't match up to what you feel you deserve, and I'm sorry but we cannot all be the best at something and some people will also know more than you do, and if grades are given by quality of work that means that sometimes those people will get higher grades. That is why a lot of us study what we happen to be good at. I'm good at analyzing and writing papers, so that's what I do and I'm getting better the more I do it and I often get As as a result, but sometimes I don't. It happens.

I get frustrated with students who ask directly for As, or who whine and complain about not getting an A on a paper. However, I do feel bad for them when I know that they need an A to keep their scholarship, and I'm all about free money, so I generally give in. But some students have such a snarky attitude about it, as if they were really entitled simply for showing up and wasting my time with a crappy paper that I am forced to grade.

I've been watching TED talks

Education

A few years ago I was meeting with my bishop, a man who I hardly knew, and he asked me what I was studying. When I told him Humanities he replied "Oh. So you'll be graduating with no marketable skills." I felt insulted, and a little angry and thought, "No, sir. Unfortunately I won't be able to work in your doctor's office. Oh well."

I'm seeing now despite how rude this man was to say this to me, he was, after all, right. I've gained a pretty good education, maybe not the best in the world, but I've definitely had some pretty remarkable moments of clarity and felt that I had grown intellectually and spiritually because of the work I've been doing for the last seven years or so, but I certainly have few marketable skills and no trade to speak of. I think this a bit of a shame. I'm very happy for my education but I wish I had a skill. And I don't mean I wish I'd gone to business or law school or become a dental hygienist or something, but I do wish I had become a horticulturalist or a chef, something which requires real skill and care and work. Because that's what I'm missing in my life. Good, honest, hard physical labor. Being educated has made me lazy.

I'm beginning to see how the academic world is shortchanging the working class. I mean, from its conception the university system has strived to educate the elite, the people who will make the decisions in government or who already have the means and support to spend the rest of their lives elucidating other elite on the workings of the world or of art. We've kept this system but have now insisted that all can enter the great gleaming halls of academia. Only, those of us who come from the working class have dreams of elitism, of being the premier scholar in a field, researching important topics all over the world, being allowed in the oldest and finest libraries, handling the greatest works, writing about the most obscure piece of art. And we're told that if we work hard enough that that will be us some day. And so we work and study and learn all we can about history and art and science and then comes the day that we graduate and they shuffle us out of our marble halls and into a world where if we don't work a 9-5 job we don't eat. Well, it's either that or spend another 5 to 7 years working and striving for the coveted Ph.D only to find that we still have to eat and no one except for small handfull of people see any value in our life's work. We struggle to find a job that will offer us tenure. The universities are more concerned with getting great grants than they are with our work or what we could offer the students, and so we must produce. We must make a good name for our schools or else we'll be booted out.

I don't want it. I still dream of being allowed in the elitist world, and I've tasted it. I want that, but I don't think the suffering is worth it. It sounds like a very lonely job anyway.

And so I've an education and no training. What do I do? Because of my education I'm more self aware and so more aware of my useless self. I want to work. I want to create something, but I don't know how. I know how to tear things apart and examine each and every fragment, but I don't know how to put things to gether to make something beautiful. I can't envision a whole out of parts, but only the parts of a whole. I think by avoiding the world of the working class I've walked myself right into it. I'll work in an office for the rest of my life, grateful for the paycheck, hoping that I can take a couple weeks off to go on a little trip every once in a while.

Why didn't I become a horticulturalist or a chef? When I was in high school I loved learning about plants, I loved planting little gardens, I loved cooking. I read an entire cookbook once, cover to cover, and learned all the techniques I use now. I want to take a book binding class and a stain glass class and a sewing class. I want to make things that people will love.

But, I have the rest of my life to do those things. Right now I have an education for which I am grateful, but I was also born to the working class and despite my pension for laziness I do know how to work and maybe someday I'll be a gardener or something. I like to think that an education doesn't need to limit me to some sort of elitist post. When I was in Italy I suspected that the bus drivers were educated and valued education, that the street sweepers and the shopkeepers were also educated because I heard them talk about very deep topics and saw everyone with a book. They took pride in their jobs, but were not defined by their careers. At the end of the work day they put the work world behind them and enjoyed their time with family and friends and books. I have never seen so many people read in public places in my life, and book shops practically on every corner. That's what I want my life to be like. Educated but useful. And so that's what I'm going to strive for now. Hopefully I'll be trained as a teacher and do that for a couple years. Then maybe I'll be trained to do something else or maybe I'll learn the skills I've always wanted to and make a living creating lovely things for people. We'll see.