5 October 2010

4 October 2010

I'm at my mom's house right now, and while there is a gorgeous view outside the back window and lovely flowers in the yard, there is also a crazy little dog named Jackie and when I was outside taking pictures she shoved her nose in the camera. I liked that one best.

3 October 2010

On Sunday after General Conference Igor and I went to Ensign Peak just above the capitol building in Salt Lake. The view was stunning.

October 2

I went to a little Greek restaurant on Saturday with Darci on State Street in Salt Lake. The food was good, the owner was crazy (he's been in close vicinity of 9 people dying, and he gave us lots of free food), and the view from the terrace was lovely as the sun went down.

October 1

I've been thinking about doing a photo a day thing on my blog for a while now, and I decided I would start on the first of October when I got to London. Well, I'm not in London yet, but I decided to start it up anyway. I couldn't put the photos on my computer until today, so i'm starting late, but I'm still going to do a separate post for each photo. For October 1 all I have is this blurry walking photo of my friend Amanda. I was trying my hand at kinnearing, a surreptitious style of taking photos of celebrities to avoid them noticing. It's a real word, coined by Yarn Harlot after she took a bunch of photos of Greg Kinnear's feet at an airport in Canada.

any day now...

I was hoping to wake up this morning to an email informing me that my visa has been approved and is on its way to my house. Alas it wasn't there and my stress level increased by about four points. It's making me think about patience. What the heck is patience anyway? Am I waiting patiently when I know I can do nothing and so I try to distract myself while my stomach grows increasingly queasy and I want to chew off my own hand? Is patience the ability to pretend that you are not waiting for something or that someone is not actually driving you crazy? Is it an innate internal stability and calmness when everything around you is completely out of your control? A couple of weeks ago when I was waiting for the last important document I needed before I could apply for the visa I made myself sick, imagining all the things that could have gone wrong and what I could possibly do to fix it, and it was so bad that when I did get the letter I didn't actually feel any better and a capillary burst in my eye making it blood red for two weeks. This time around the waiting is far worse and I'm wondering what will burst.

Maybe I just need to be more positive. I will get the visa, I will get to London. I might miss the first week of school, all of the orientation meetings and the graduate party in the Tate Modern, but that can be ok. I'll just have to let them know that I'm coming a little late because of the visa issue. Worse things could happen.

On another positive note, I got an amazing new little toy. This year has been the year for gadgets for me. I got an ipod and a new little computer and now my friends chipped in to get me a kindle for a going away present. I love it. I think it's the best thing that has ever happened to books. I already have 200 books on there and it still only weighs a few ounces! I can do searches, I can make bookmarks and notes and now I have books that I thought about reading but never wanted to buy or try to find at the library. It also works well for my scattered brain to switch from book to book without having to pack 3 or 4 around with me all the time. I might even start reading for fun.

Ok, so no worries. Everything is going to work out fine. I will get there, and it will be soon.

still not in England yet...

I'm spending one of my last few nights in Provo tonight, and I'm doing it with mixed feelings. A few months ago when I decided to go to New York for the summer I felt especially anxious, and when I was there I couldn't shake that anxious feeling, so I came back home. This time I'm going to London, and part of me fears that I feel the same as I did in New York: anxious, homesick and ultimately not too happy. But, there is a dramatic difference this time around. I'm excited and more or less at peace with the decision I've made. I'm also committed. I can't just come home when I start feeling lonely. When I went to New York I was running away. Now that I'm going to London I am simply starting a new chapter in my life, one that needs to begin.

Last week I went to see a band I've loved for several years now, Casiotone For the Painfully Alone. It's basically one guy who writes and performs beautifully sad music that has been the soundtrack for most of the anxty moments of my early 20s. This is his last tour under that name and he said that when he's done he'll put the songs away and never play them again, expect when he's feeling sad. I could kind of relate to him. This is a time of change, to put away the past and move forward with a new perspective on life. Maybe I should also put those songs away, those songs that remind me of lonely wanderings through Provo.

I've enjoyed myself the last few weeks in Utah. It's been perfect, and I feel as if I'll have no unfinished business or regrets when I leave. I've focused on spending time with the people I love, going on adventures, and I think have spent my time well saying goodbye to this place.

So now I just wait. I sent out all my documents to the UK Border Agency and they sent me an email last monday saying they received them and that it would take 5 to 15 working days for me to get my visa back. So far it's been 7 working days, and I'm praying that I will get it within the next five so that I have time to buy my plane ticket and get out there before classes start. So unless there's some big hitch I will be in London sometime during the first week of October. It's too bad I still haven't bought a plane ticket and it still seems like a dream.

waiting and crashing

I should be moving to London in 20 days, but it certainly does not yet feel like it's going to happen. The main reason is because I haven't got my visa yet and so have not bought a plane ticket. Everything else is set up. I put my deposit down on my room, enrolled in classes, bought new luggage and new clothes, and still I don't feel like I'm going. As long as I don't have something as definite and sure as a plane ticket, I can't really get too excited.

I have, however, been watching a great deal of British television, and if the place is anything like its tv I think I will be a happy person in a month from now.

Gah. My first class is on October 4th. I sure hope I can get there before then.

The last few months have been good and bad, as I wait and wait with a significant lack of patience I can't seem to bring myself to do much. My job right now is to wait, and so what's the point of reading or knitting or embroidering or writing or anything but sitting and thinking about how I have to wait for documents? I have to wait for emails. I have to wait for things to go through. I know it's ridiculous, but the waiting is incredibly distracting. The document I am waiting for now is the final key to the visa, and it was sent from England 11 days ago. Who knows how long it will take to get here, but I'm hoping I'll receive it tomorrow or in the next few days.

Although my life has been pretty much the most boring thing imaginable, I do have a story. Today was a really lovely day. It's starting to feel like autumn; there was a cool breeze all day, but the sun was nice and warm. A friend of mine came to visit me at my mom's house and he and I went shopping for some clothes and shoes, and since it was Labor Day the roads in Park City were particularly busy. I managed fine until on the way home I made a left hand turn at the end of an offramp from the freeway just as a guy was running a red light from the right side of my car. I didn't see him until he smashed in to me. It was scary, but it didn't feel like it did much damage, and when I pulled over and got out I saw that the guy was ok and that he only had a flat tire, and my car just had a scratch on the right front. Apparently, the corner of my car hit his tire and caused it to explode. We were both driving fairly fast, and I feel extremely lucky that his car didnt plow in the side of mine like it easily could have. There wasnt even a dent in my car, just tire marks and a little scratch. I love my big monster of a car, and I'm really glad the little incident wasn't any worse.

So tomorrow I need to do more than just wait around for the mail. It'll be difficult, but I have things that need to be done, and I need to just do them. I'm going to take the dogs for a walk in the morning and then start working on figuring out which clothes to pack and take with me and which things I'll be forced to leave behind. Then I guess I should figure out some other productive things that need to be done and just do them. I know the next few weeks are going to go by super fast but right now time is killing me.

a little favor.

I'm blogging specifically tonight to try to help a friend out who is participating in a competition done by Logitech. His name is Austin Craig, he's awesome, and if he wins he gets to live in a swanky apartment in LA for a couple of months and host parties to show off cool techy stuff. It's a dream job, and he is perfect for it. The voting ends tomorrow night and he's going for the final push, so go check out the link and click on the little VOTE button. It's very easy.

so close

A friend of mine reminded me tonight that the anxiety I feel over going to graduate school in London is not that far removed from the anxiety I felt over staying at BYU for my Master's degree. I constantly questioned whether or not I made the right decision, and in the end it became one of the best times of my life that I would never trade for anything. I had forgotten this, but I'm glad I recall it now. I always second guess the decisions that I make, and I am always wondering if I could have made a better choice, and yet overall I'm not that dissatisfied with my life. It is full of people and experiences and everything I could ever want or need. Why do I spend so much time regretting the choices that I make?

Some good news for today: I got 2 important emails. One was the housing office offering me a place to live, and the other was the enrollment office sending me an official notice about my acceptance. I am now one step closer to going to London than I was yesterday. It's a good feeling. Now, I have 2 more important emails to receive before the end of next week if I want to get my student visa on time. I'm not going to get too excited or too anxious, and if things work out then they work out.

blogging instead of playing spider solitaire.

Hi, I'm going to tell you a little about how my life is going right now. Not that you asked.

I'm in limbo again. Actually, I've been stuck in limbo for a pretty significant amount of time. Neither here nor there, waiting for this or that to finally happen. Recently I've been waiting for news on whether or not I'll be getting a very important scholarship for the program in London, and it makes me anxious. I've been back from New York for a month now and time is flying, but I'm finding myself growing bored again. The excitement of the last two weeks of my trip, coming back and visiting with family and friends in Salt Lake, Kamas and Provo were exhausting and I was totally grateful for the chance to chill out and babysit a kitty in a cute apartment and have time again to think. Well, it's been a week and I'm bored.

I watch a lot of tv these days, and I noticed tonight when I was spending some time with friends that television is all I talk about. While I watch tv I knit. I just finished a hat that is much smaller than I was expecting to be, so maybe I'll try to sell it as a children's hat. Today I started a shawl with some $20 golden yarn that I bought in New York and I worry it won't be as pretty as I had hoped. Yesterday my little sister came over and I took some gorgeous pictures of her modeling some recent projects.

Guys, my sister is beautiful.

I've also been baking pies. After watching the entire 2 seasons of Pushing Daisies in the last week I have an uncontrollable desire to bake delicious pies. So far they have been perfection. Perfect crust, perfect filling. I'm in love with my pies. So far I've only made banana cream and a berry pie, but I plan on getting some more fruit and experimenting.

Not to brag, but I make a perfectly tender and flaky crust. And this berry pie was a divine conglomeration of three distinct berry flavors, all tied together with a little sugar on the flaky crust. Those were my sister's words, not mine.

Let's see... Oh, I also recently finished editing a 90 page thesis and got paid a little for it. I wish I could get more jobs like that. Anyone need an editor?

On another note, I've been feeling a little lonely lately, missing my Provo peeps and the new friendships I made in New York that never had the chance to develop to their full potential. I miss Alexis and Liz and Andy. I hope I can be friends with them again some day. I was lonely when I was in New York, and these people totally made my time there worth it. Tonight I spent time with three of my most favorite people, and I realize what joy friends bring me in my life, and I love the thought that I have no idea how many wonderful people I am set to encounter in my lifetime and how they will change and shape me and my existence on this earth.

Well, I think that is all for the night. Thanks, Internet, for listening. You're great.

summer reading

I have a bit of a habit of marking up books when I read them, probably from the 20 years of schooling and 2 Humanities degrees under my belt. It is always handy when writing a paper on a novel to go back and find interesting passages already marked up. The problem, however, comes when I am borrowing a novel and my fingers just itch to write all over it and I can't. And so then I usually type out the passages that interest me to look at later if I need to. Now, the problem with this is that I rarely go through and open random word documents to look at, especially when I always seem to misplace the important documents I have (I have no idea how this happens, but I can't tell you how many times important things have just disappeared from my computer). Solution? I will blog my favorite passages as I work through my summer reading list. This may prove helpful for me, and possibly entertaining for anyone (or any two or three) who actually read this blog.

I'm currently working my way through On the Road by Jack Kerouac and I am thoroughly enjoying what for many is the American dream: cross country road tripping. My Brazilian friend is also reading the book and said that he would love to hitchhike across the United States but would never dream of doing something like that in Brazil. Of course, I said. This sort of travel is an American institution. Who doesn't want to see this continent, from sea to shining sea? I know that the need to travel across this place is an itch I someday hope to scratch, and I have always wanted to read this book and the adventures outlined here. And at this point in my life, I feel like I can relate to Sal Paradise as he abandons his day to day life and sets out to see the country. I'm at the point now where he makes it from New York to San Francisco, has run out of money and has to find a job, and when he gets into trouble for not doing exactly what he should on the job he thinks, "he was right; but all i wanted to do was sneak out into the night and disappear somewhere, and go and find out what everybody was doing all over the country" (60).
Me too, Sal, me too.

I love how getting a job to make ends meet for a time becomes part of the adventure, as it has been for me this summer as I take on odd jobs and move about the country, sleeping on couches and just trying to get by until the next chapter of my life begins.

And so, here are some passages I enjoyed tonight as I continued reading On the Road, and expect more to follow as I finish up the book.

"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was--I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future, and maybe that's why it happened right there and then, that strange red afternoon" (15).

"I spun around till I was dizzy; i thought I'd fall down as in a dream, clear off the precipice. Oh where is the girl I love? I though, and looked everywhere, as I had looked everywhere in the little world below. And before me was the great raw bulge and bulk of my American continent; somewhere far across, gloomy, crazy New York was throwing up its cloud of dust and brown steam. There is something brown and holy about the East; and California is white like washlines and emptyheaded--at least that's what I thought then" (71).

London calling

It's coming on a month since I blogged last, and even though this last month has probably been the craziest and most eventful in months, I haven't felt stable enough to sit down and write a blog. Or maybe I should say I haven't felt like I could give my full attention to such a task. Until right at this moment: the first time in nearly a month that I have been totally and completely by myself.

I had 2 goals I needed to accomplish this summer. The first was to live in New York and the second was to not pay rent for at least two months. New York: check. Being homeless: so far so good. Since I wrote last I have spent part of a week in a hostel in Boston, a night in a friends apartment in New York, part of a week in a lovely home in Maryland, a night in my old apartment in New York, a few nights on my sister's couch in Salt Lake, a couple of couches in Provo, a bed and a couch in Kamas, another few nights back in Salt Lake and now I am house sitting for a nice girl with a lovely cat while she enjoys a cruise. I'll be here for 2 weeks and then I'm back to couch surfing.

I kind of really don't mind this lifestyle. I don't mind living out of a suitcase and I don't mind sleeping on couches. The best part is that I haven't paid rent for a month now, and I'm getting paid to stay at this girl's house for the next two weeks. Sweet deal, yeah?

After the summer is over I'll hopefully be starting one of my biggest adventures yet: moving to London to do a PhD at the London Consortium (part of Birkbeck College) in Humanities and Cultural Studies. If I can find the money to go it will be a dream come true. Last week I had an interview over the phone with the professor I would be working with and they emailed me two hours later telling me of my acceptance. I honestly couldn't believe it. I was slightly worried about the interview because I could hardly understand the British accents over a speakerphone, and I was uncertain of a few of their questions, even though I tried to answer as if I did understand what they said. Thank goodness for the last 15 years of my life watching Beatles movies, Monty Python and Doctor Who, or I may have been completely lost in that interview.

Guys, I'm moving to LONDON!

Well, maybe. I hope. It depends on a lot of things that I'm working on right now. My goal is to get all the paper work figured out this weekend and send it all in on Monday.

I was looking at the courses I'll be taking this fall and I got all giddy and light headed just thinking about them. Here are some of the course titles: "Coldness: Toward a Political Thermodynamics of Culture", "Down: Meloncholy, Depression and Regeneration", and "Scratches, Traces, Spacings". Does that sound awesome or what?? Ok, maybe I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. I still have to raise thousands of dollars to go.

I was just thinking the other day that I didn't want to wait a year to go back to school and now I may not have to. It feels good to think that I don't have to put my goals on hold. I'm excited.

goodbye new york

Today is my last full day in New York City. Tomorrow I'm going to Boston for a few days, then I come back on Wednesday and leave again early the next morning for Baltimore. I get back from Baltimore on Monday and then fly home Tuesday morning. It's sure to be quite the week, especially with the 22 hours of travel time I'm set to endure.

So how did I spend my last day in New York City? I refused to leave my apartment. I watched a World Cup game, did laundry, packed, ate, and watched episodes of Merlin and the new Doctor Who. I might go out in a little while to get ice cream and say goodbye to this city, but who knows. I feel no remorse for staying in today. I rather enjoyed my time alone, and I had a hell of a time sleeping last night so I just wasn't feeling up for the fight that is going out into the city.

Yesterday was the perfect way to end my time here. I spent most of the day laying out in the sun at the beach, then I went and saw a CocoRosie concert that was pretty amazing. I seriously had to recover from it all today before I go to Boston. I have some great pictures from those two activities, but I seem to have lost my camera cord and so I can't upload them right now, but I will when I get back to Utah.

I'm not sad about leaving, but I feel bad that I don't feel more sad. Granted, I only spent about two months in New York, but that love/hate relationship with this place has stayed pretty balanced, and I'm excited to go back home. I think I have a better understanding of what home means now, and I'm glad that I have been fortunate enough to grow up attached to a certain piece of land called Utah, to have roots in a place. I recently finished reading The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton, a thoroughly depressing novel, and one that left me weeping, but there was one passage near the end that struck me and made me feel extremely grateful that I have a home to go back to.

That was the feeling that possessed her now--the feeling of being something rootless and ephemeral, mere spendthrift on the whirling surface of existence, without anything to which the poor little tentacles of self could cling before the awful flood submerged them. And as she looked back she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any real relation to life. Her parents too had been rootless, blown hither and thither on ever wind of fashion, without any personal existence to shelter them from its shifting gusts. She herself had grown up without any one spot of earth being dearer to her than another: there was no centre of early pieties, of grave endearing traditions, to which her heart could revert and from which it could draw strength for itself and tenderness for others.

This I felt was the saddest moment of the book, and where I started weeping. Unlike Lily Bart, I had grown up with a spot of earth being dearer to me than another. I have roots, and I plan on establishing a place where my children feel that they have roots. This is a point I have actually thought about for years, since I read Wendell Berry's The Unsettling of American: Culture and Agriculture where he talked about the importance of being tied to the land, and how our American nomadism is actually harmful to us. I think there can be a balance. I love to travel and to see different places and sometimes I wish one place or another could be my home, but it's not. As dumb as people might think it is, I am pulled back to Utah because it houses my dearest memories, it was the "centre of early pieties, of grave endearing traditions to which [my] heart could revert and from which it could draw strength for itself and tenderness for others." It's true, and I don't think many people deeply understand this principle unless they had a very special piece of land which they could call home. I know that my experiences growing up on a ranch shaped who I am, living so closely to a beautiful piece of earth gave me balance and established my moral center.

And so I'm excited to go back to my homeland, and I'm extremely happy that I've been able to spend this time here. I needed it. And I plan on coming back soon because I've met amazing people and established what could be long lasting friendships. I guess in a weird way I've set down roots here to which I can return. I've become acquainted with a remarkable city, and I'm lucky I had the opportunity to do so.

So, goodbye to you New York and your trash, your loud and obnoxious people, awful smells, and oppressive heat. And goodbye to your wonderful food, your museums, the beautiful Central Park, and the kind and remarkable people who call you home. This was fun, but I gotta go back home now. I have family, friends, pets, mountain thunderstorms, sunsets, fishing, swimming at Mona, my car, and cheap delicious Mexican food waiting for me back in Utah.