On the way home today I walked past a family sitting outside on their front lawn. There were two little tiny children playing and as I approached the house the little girl picked a dandelion and held it out to me. I took it and blew some of the seeds away. She was delighted to see this, so I handed it back to her and she blew some of the seeds and gave it back to me. Then as I walked past the little boy on his tricycle he waved at me. In the next second I walked past a woman holding her baby who also waved at me exuberantly. Three babies saying hi to me in the span of a minute. I about died.
This afternoon was truly delightful. Work sucked and it was kind of hard but I left at the right time to show up at my friend's house just as a everyone was going to the cemetery up on the foot of the mountains. 7 of us drove up there, stopped by a little roadside hamburger joint and got something to eat, and spent an hour or so sitting in the cemetery, talking and looking out over the valley. It was gorgeous, one of the most amazing views I've seen of Utah Valley, and I was with some pretty awesome people. I feel really blessed. I'll have to post some picture of that view at some point, I'm sure I'll head up there often this summer.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Pain don't hurt! (except that it does)
I don't like getting hurt (who does, right?). But, I don't deal with pain very well and I'm very sensitive so things tend to hurt me a lot more than they should. I've even passed out before because of pain. This fear of pain has tended to make me extremely cautious over the years (and slightly paranoid). I've never broken a bone and until recently I've never had to go to the hospital for anything. And I've never had stitches before, until today that is. I cut my thumb with a pocket knife and had to get 8 stitches. I almost passed out again, and when I was getting the stitches the doctor gave me an anesthetic (thank heavens), but the needle stabbing part was horrific. It hurt so much that I was in hysterics, laughing my head off every time she stabbed me. At one point she was like "You're still feeling this? I've used up all the anesthetic." And the guy helping her said "Boy, when you give birth you had better ask for an epidural." I finally went numb enough for her to start sewing my skin together. ugh.
When I got burned in October I had so many pain pills inside of me that I didn't have the "oh my gosh I'm going to pass out" feeling, but it never stopped hurting. I think I was in constant pain for 2 weeks. And I haven't been to the dentist in years because the last time I went I could feel everything and he wouldn't give me any more anesthetic. He told me to just suck it up. It's been 7 years since I've been in a dentist office.
I hate the helplessness of being in pain. One of my favorite books ever is called The Body in Pain by Elaine Scarry. She focuses on torture and war, but she discusses how pain is so singular. No one can ever know the pain you are feeling. They can have compassion and empathy, but your pain is your own. This is used against torture victims to unmake their world, their conception of reality. Because pain is so singular and inexpressible it contracts your reality. Your world grows smaller and smaller. Pain is blinding and binding because it occurs solely in your body and the body cannot adequately express it. I find this fascinating, and thinking about it theologically I find it to be interesting how my beliefs center so much on the Atonement of Christ, which is the event in which God made it possible for pain to be shared and no longer totally singular. While no other human being can feel the specific pain you feel, we believe that God can, that Christ does feel that pain because he took on the pains and sufferings of all the world. Based on what Elaine Scarry argues, this is an extremely liberating doctrine. It is world making. In the face of pain reality expands rather than contracts. I love this idea.
So, I'm feeling better about the whole thing, but I am still really mad at myself for doing this. It certainly does not help my anxiety problem, an issue that has been growing worse since I got hurt in October. And it totally interrupted my plans for the day. I hope I can get things accomplished tomorrow to make up for it. I have a lot to do in the morning. I need to go to campus to check out a ton of books I have on hold, then I want to head over to the farmer's market to buy some fresh food for the week and some little plants to put in my potted garden and then I'm going to lunch at 2 with some old friends. It's days like tomorrow when I need my car to be running. I guess I should just get over my anxiety and call the mechanic on Monday and get it taken care of.
When I got burned in October I had so many pain pills inside of me that I didn't have the "oh my gosh I'm going to pass out" feeling, but it never stopped hurting. I think I was in constant pain for 2 weeks. And I haven't been to the dentist in years because the last time I went I could feel everything and he wouldn't give me any more anesthetic. He told me to just suck it up. It's been 7 years since I've been in a dentist office.
I hate the helplessness of being in pain. One of my favorite books ever is called The Body in Pain by Elaine Scarry. She focuses on torture and war, but she discusses how pain is so singular. No one can ever know the pain you are feeling. They can have compassion and empathy, but your pain is your own. This is used against torture victims to unmake their world, their conception of reality. Because pain is so singular and inexpressible it contracts your reality. Your world grows smaller and smaller. Pain is blinding and binding because it occurs solely in your body and the body cannot adequately express it. I find this fascinating, and thinking about it theologically I find it to be interesting how my beliefs center so much on the Atonement of Christ, which is the event in which God made it possible for pain to be shared and no longer totally singular. While no other human being can feel the specific pain you feel, we believe that God can, that Christ does feel that pain because he took on the pains and sufferings of all the world. Based on what Elaine Scarry argues, this is an extremely liberating doctrine. It is world making. In the face of pain reality expands rather than contracts. I love this idea.
So, I'm feeling better about the whole thing, but I am still really mad at myself for doing this. It certainly does not help my anxiety problem, an issue that has been growing worse since I got hurt in October. And it totally interrupted my plans for the day. I hope I can get things accomplished tomorrow to make up for it. I have a lot to do in the morning. I need to go to campus to check out a ton of books I have on hold, then I want to head over to the farmer's market to buy some fresh food for the week and some little plants to put in my potted garden and then I'm going to lunch at 2 with some old friends. It's days like tomorrow when I need my car to be running. I guess I should just get over my anxiety and call the mechanic on Monday and get it taken care of.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
happy go lucky...
On the train today on the way home from Salt Lake songs kept coming up on my ipod that reminded me of experiences I have had in my life that have left me hurt or embarrassed. I kept thinking about people who I liked more than they liked me, people who ended up hating me for whatever reason, and people who I always ended making a fool of myself around. One thing I hate more than anything is when I don't have a good rapport with somebody, when they simply don't like me, or when I let them down or they find me annoying. I try to be pleasant, I try to get along with most people, and I try to do good things for others and be thoughtful and mindful of them and their feelings. And so when someone doesn't like me or when I make a mistake and people are mad at me, it kills me. Nothing feels worse.
I watched a movie tonight (that lacked a plot but had a pretty intense moment towards the end) called Happy-go-lucky about this girl who is always optimistic, who is always kind to people, who can't help but laugh all the time at stupid little things. She is a woman who is happy with her life, who has good friends and who teaches and helps little kids. She decides to take driving lessons, and she is just herself, but the driving instructor is a little nuts and her eccentric and constantly happy behavior unhinges him. He ends up being really violent with her and tells her that all she wants is to be the center of attention and just to play with people's feelings. But this is not true at all. There are a couple of scenes after this one where we see her sitting, obviously thinking about what had just happened, and you wonder if maybe he is right, if she is not actually such a genuinely good and happy person. But it comes to the point where she and the audience realizes that he is wrong, that she is who she is and he read is wrong. She wasn't trying to lead him on, she was just being herself. She was just being kind to him because she's kind to everyone. She shouldn't change who she is because one person didn't like her.
And so it should be with me. There have been people who have hated me. There was one girl that offered for me to go visit her in Portland, and I took her up on it because I always wanted to go. But, we had only worked together and weren't good friends and while I thought we got along, it turned out that we didn't at all. And I was there for 5 days, and it just got worse and worse. I know I could have made it better, I know I was immature. There was one moment when I asked her where her dad was (because her mom was remarried) and I said it in not the kindest tone. She said he was dead. And then there was awkward silence and then we didn't talk much for the rest of the trip. The plan was for us to drive back to Utah from Portland and her mom decided to come along instead of just the two of us. Neither of them talked to me the entire trip, I got out of the car and they said goodbye and I have never ever seen or talked to that girl since. And it bothers me because I know she didn't like me, and I did try to be pleasant. I don't think it is fair. She was in such a bad mood the whole time and it felt like I could never do or say anything right. That was 3 years ago and it still bothers me.
But it shouldn't. I wasn't a horrible person to her; I'm not a horrible person in general. Some people won't like me, but there are plenty of people who like me a lot. I can't please everyone, and something I've learned in the last few years is that I do have the power to change and to be better but there is something essential about who I am, about my personality, that won't change and that doesn't need to change to please anybody. And people will like me or they won't and someone may someday love me, but I really need to stop worrying about it either way.
I'm all right, you're all right, can't we all just get along?
I watched a movie tonight (that lacked a plot but had a pretty intense moment towards the end) called Happy-go-lucky about this girl who is always optimistic, who is always kind to people, who can't help but laugh all the time at stupid little things. She is a woman who is happy with her life, who has good friends and who teaches and helps little kids. She decides to take driving lessons, and she is just herself, but the driving instructor is a little nuts and her eccentric and constantly happy behavior unhinges him. He ends up being really violent with her and tells her that all she wants is to be the center of attention and just to play with people's feelings. But this is not true at all. There are a couple of scenes after this one where we see her sitting, obviously thinking about what had just happened, and you wonder if maybe he is right, if she is not actually such a genuinely good and happy person. But it comes to the point where she and the audience realizes that he is wrong, that she is who she is and he read is wrong. She wasn't trying to lead him on, she was just being herself. She was just being kind to him because she's kind to everyone. She shouldn't change who she is because one person didn't like her.
And so it should be with me. There have been people who have hated me. There was one girl that offered for me to go visit her in Portland, and I took her up on it because I always wanted to go. But, we had only worked together and weren't good friends and while I thought we got along, it turned out that we didn't at all. And I was there for 5 days, and it just got worse and worse. I know I could have made it better, I know I was immature. There was one moment when I asked her where her dad was (because her mom was remarried) and I said it in not the kindest tone. She said he was dead. And then there was awkward silence and then we didn't talk much for the rest of the trip. The plan was for us to drive back to Utah from Portland and her mom decided to come along instead of just the two of us. Neither of them talked to me the entire trip, I got out of the car and they said goodbye and I have never ever seen or talked to that girl since. And it bothers me because I know she didn't like me, and I did try to be pleasant. I don't think it is fair. She was in such a bad mood the whole time and it felt like I could never do or say anything right. That was 3 years ago and it still bothers me.
But it shouldn't. I wasn't a horrible person to her; I'm not a horrible person in general. Some people won't like me, but there are plenty of people who like me a lot. I can't please everyone, and something I've learned in the last few years is that I do have the power to change and to be better but there is something essential about who I am, about my personality, that won't change and that doesn't need to change to please anybody. And people will like me or they won't and someone may someday love me, but I really need to stop worrying about it either way.
I'm all right, you're all right, can't we all just get along?
one of my summer goals.
I emailed a friend I met at the Popular Culture Association conference who is the chair of the horror section and asked him what horror films he would suggest I should watch, given the fact that I feel less versed on horror than I should be. He responded with a pretty huge list. I'm going to highlight in red which ones I have actually seen, and see how I'm coming along on my road to horror scholarship awesomeness.
1900s: Watch Thomas Edison's 1910 version of Frankenstein.
1920s: John S. Robertson's version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; F. W. Murnau's Nosferatu; Carl Dreyer's Vampyr; Luis Bunuel's and Jean Epstein's The Fall of the House of Usher; Robert Weine's The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
1930s: Jame's Whale's Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, The Old Dark House and The Invisible Man (you must see all of these!); Ernest B. Schoedsack's King Kong; Tod Browning's Dracula and Freaks; Rouben Mamoulian's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; Carl Freund's Mad Love; Edgar G. Ulmer's The Black Cat.
1940s: All of the Val Lewton films, but especially Cat People, I Walked with a Zombie, The Seventh Victim and Isle of the Dead (in that order, please!); Lewis Allen's The Uninvited; Billy Wilder's Double Indemnity and Sunset Boulevard; Jacques Tourneur's Out of the Past.
1950s: Hitchcock's Vertigo; Christian Nyby/Howard Hawks's The Thing (from Another World); Hammer Studios' Horror of Dracula and Curse of Frankenstein; Gordon Douglas's Them!; Jack Arnold's Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Incredible Shrinking Man; Don Siegel's Invasion of the Body Snatchers; Charles Laughton's Night of the Hunter; Jacques Tourneur's Night of the Demon (also called Curse of the Demon); also check out The Blob and The Fly; Rod Serling's The Twilight Zone television series; Mario Bava's Black Sabath.
1960s: Michael Powell's Peeping Tom; Hitchcock's Psycho; William Castle's The Tingler and Mr. Sardonicus; Roger Corman's House of Usher, The Haunted Palace, and Masque of the Red Death; Herk Harvey's Carnival of Souls; Roman Polanski's Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby; Romero's Night of the Living Dead; the televsion series, The Outer Limits
1970s: Hammer Studios' Taste the Blood of Dracula; Polanski's The Tenant; Brian DePalma's Carrie and Sisters; Romero's Dawn of the Dead; Nicholas Roeg's Don't Look Now; Peter Wier's Picnic at Hanging Rock and The Last Wave; Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre; John Carpenter's Halloween; Ridley Scott's Alien; Dario Argento's Suspiria and Inferno; William Friedkin's The Exorcist; David Cronenberg's Rabid and Shivers; Larry Cohen's It's Alive, God Told Me To (aka Demon), and Q: The Winged Serpent; William Crain's Blacula and/or Bob Kelljan's Scream, Blacula, Scream!; Mario Bava's Bay of Blood (aka Twitch of the Death Nerve)
1980s: Larry Clark's Deathdream; Lucio Fulci's City of the Living Dead (aka The Gates of Hell); Sam Raimi's Evil Dead and Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn; Joel Schumacher's The Lost Boys; Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist; David Cronenberg's Scanners, Videodrome and The Fly; Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street; Steve Miner's Friday the 13th, Part II; the televison series, Hammer House of Horror; Stuart Gordon's Dolls and Reanimator; Joe Dante's The Howling; John Carpenter's The Thing; Peter Jackson's Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead)
1990s: The Silence of the Lambs, The Ring, Se7en, Scream, Scary Movie I or III, The Blair Witch Project
2000s: The Others, Saw and Saw III, Eli Roth's Hostel and Cabin Fever, The Orphanage, Pan's Labyrinth, The Devil's Rejects, The Descent, Hansel and Gretel (Korea 2009), The Strangers, Tarantino's and Rodriguez's Grindhouse.
From the looks of it, I have a long ways to go. This weekend I watched Land of the Dead, John Carpenter's The Thing, The Exorcist, Candy Man, Hellraiser, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So it looks like I'm well on my way. Next up I want to watch Silence of the Lambs, Suspiria and Reanimator. I need to see Reanimator because I'm writing about Lovecraft's contribution to the zombie genre. This summer is definitely going to be the summer of horror films.
1900s: Watch Thomas Edison's 1910 version of Frankenstein.
1920s: John S. Robertson's version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; F. W. Murnau's Nosferatu; Carl Dreyer's Vampyr; Luis Bunuel's and Jean Epstein's The Fall of the House of Usher; Robert Weine's The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
1930s: Jame's Whale's Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, The Old Dark House and The Invisible Man (you must see all of these!); Ernest B. Schoedsack's King Kong; Tod Browning's Dracula and Freaks; Rouben Mamoulian's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; Carl Freund's Mad Love; Edgar G. Ulmer's The Black Cat.
1940s: All of the Val Lewton films, but especially Cat People, I Walked with a Zombie, The Seventh Victim and Isle of the Dead (in that order, please!); Lewis Allen's The Uninvited; Billy Wilder's Double Indemnity and Sunset Boulevard; Jacques Tourneur's Out of the Past.
1950s: Hitchcock's Vertigo; Christian Nyby/Howard Hawks's The Thing (from Another World); Hammer Studios' Horror of Dracula and Curse of Frankenstein; Gordon Douglas's Them!; Jack Arnold's Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Incredible Shrinking Man; Don Siegel's Invasion of the Body Snatchers; Charles Laughton's Night of the Hunter; Jacques Tourneur's Night of the Demon (also called Curse of the Demon); also check out The Blob and The Fly; Rod Serling's The Twilight Zone television series; Mario Bava's Black Sabath.
1960s: Michael Powell's Peeping Tom; Hitchcock's Psycho; William Castle's The Tingler and Mr. Sardonicus; Roger Corman's House of Usher, The Haunted Palace, and Masque of the Red Death; Herk Harvey's Carnival of Souls; Roman Polanski's Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby; Romero's Night of the Living Dead; the televsion series, The Outer Limits
1970s: Hammer Studios' Taste the Blood of Dracula; Polanski's The Tenant; Brian DePalma's Carrie and Sisters; Romero's Dawn of the Dead; Nicholas Roeg's Don't Look Now; Peter Wier's Picnic at Hanging Rock and The Last Wave; Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre; John Carpenter's Halloween; Ridley Scott's Alien; Dario Argento's Suspiria and Inferno; William Friedkin's The Exorcist; David Cronenberg's Rabid and Shivers; Larry Cohen's It's Alive, God Told Me To (aka Demon), and Q: The Winged Serpent; William Crain's Blacula and/or Bob Kelljan's Scream, Blacula, Scream!; Mario Bava's Bay of Blood (aka Twitch of the Death Nerve)
1980s: Larry Clark's Deathdream; Lucio Fulci's City of the Living Dead (aka The Gates of Hell); Sam Raimi's Evil Dead and Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn; Joel Schumacher's The Lost Boys; Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist; David Cronenberg's Scanners, Videodrome and The Fly; Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street; Steve Miner's Friday the 13th, Part II; the televison series, Hammer House of Horror; Stuart Gordon's Dolls and Reanimator; Joe Dante's The Howling; John Carpenter's The Thing; Peter Jackson's Dead Alive (aka Brain Dead)
1990s: The Silence of the Lambs, The Ring, Se7en, Scream, Scary Movie I or III, The Blair Witch Project
2000s: The Others, Saw and Saw III, Eli Roth's Hostel and Cabin Fever, The Orphanage, Pan's Labyrinth, The Devil's Rejects, The Descent, Hansel and Gretel (Korea 2009), The Strangers, Tarantino's and Rodriguez's Grindhouse.
From the looks of it, I have a long ways to go. This weekend I watched Land of the Dead, John Carpenter's The Thing, The Exorcist, Candy Man, Hellraiser, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So it looks like I'm well on my way. Next up I want to watch Silence of the Lambs, Suspiria and Reanimator. I need to see Reanimator because I'm writing about Lovecraft's contribution to the zombie genre. This summer is definitely going to be the summer of horror films.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
blah.
I'm not feeling so hot these days, and I'm not sure why. I don't understand why I am so tired and lethargic, why I have a headache every afternoon, and why I can't focus on anything. All I want to do is be in my bed watching tv on the internet, which of course makes it worse. I am supposed to be writing a thesis right now, but I can't focus enough to read any of the articles and books that I have, and when I try I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.
I'll stop complaining, but that is just how I'm feeling right now.
So I'm trying to write a chapter on how religious elements are used in horror films and in zombie films specifically so I've been trying to do this research on the topic and I've come to the realization that there are a lot of horror films out there that I have yet to see. I'm usually pretty selective with my horror intake, but it's got to the point where I don't watch any anymore, and I am literally craving it. Not only that, but I feel like I am at a disadvantage when discussing them if I haven't even seen most of what I'm reading about. What kind of horror scholar am I? It really comes down to the fact I need to watch these movies because I need to be familiar with the topic I've chosen to write my thesis about. And it's especially tricky because no one will watch them with me, and I would prefer to watch them with people because that is part of the horror experience, I think.
But I guess I just need to get down to business and watch them, whether anyone will join me or not. I bought Land of the Dead yesterday, so I suppose I'll start with that one. I'm going to my mom's next week for a few days and so I think I'll have her rent me some movies and I'll have a horror marathon. Maybe she'll watch some of them with me.
OK, so I'm going to read a chapter about Land of the Dead before I watch it so that I feel like I really am doing research.
I'll stop complaining, but that is just how I'm feeling right now.
So I'm trying to write a chapter on how religious elements are used in horror films and in zombie films specifically so I've been trying to do this research on the topic and I've come to the realization that there are a lot of horror films out there that I have yet to see. I'm usually pretty selective with my horror intake, but it's got to the point where I don't watch any anymore, and I am literally craving it. Not only that, but I feel like I am at a disadvantage when discussing them if I haven't even seen most of what I'm reading about. What kind of horror scholar am I? It really comes down to the fact I need to watch these movies because I need to be familiar with the topic I've chosen to write my thesis about. And it's especially tricky because no one will watch them with me, and I would prefer to watch them with people because that is part of the horror experience, I think.
But I guess I just need to get down to business and watch them, whether anyone will join me or not. I bought Land of the Dead yesterday, so I suppose I'll start with that one. I'm going to my mom's next week for a few days and so I think I'll have her rent me some movies and I'll have a horror marathon. Maybe she'll watch some of them with me.
OK, so I'm going to read a chapter about Land of the Dead before I watch it so that I feel like I really am doing research.
Friday, April 24, 2009
nouns of assemblage
I was applying barcodes to books today at work to keep myself busy between projects, and I came across this little gem, Schott's Original Miscellany. The first thing I opened up to was Nouns of Assemblage, which are my favorite kind of nouns. Here are some things I learned:
a malapertness of peddlers
a spring of teals (I don't even know what to picture in my mind with this. what are teals?)
a gang of elk
a murmuration of starlings
a suit of sails
a wilderness of monkeys (my favorite)
a clutch of eggs
a field of runners
a chattering of choughs (of what?)
a cete of badgers
a bench of bishops
a murder of crows
a barren of mules
a rag of colts
a walk of snipe (what is a snipe anyway? I thought they weren't real...)
an exaltation of larks
a muster of peacocks
a desert of lapwing
a drift of swine
a stud of mares (haha)
a parliament of rooks and owls :)
a glozing of taverners
a covey of ptarmigan (of what??)
a business of ferrets
a drunkship of cobblers (I wonder who picked this noun)
a nye of pheasants
a fall of woodcock
a sege of herons
a herd of curlews
I will be purchasing this book posthaste and sharing its wonders with all those who don't care. I can't wait.
a malapertness of peddlers
a spring of teals (I don't even know what to picture in my mind with this. what are teals?)
a gang of elk
a murmuration of starlings
a suit of sails
a wilderness of monkeys (my favorite)
a clutch of eggs
a field of runners
a chattering of choughs (of what?)
a cete of badgers
a bench of bishops
a murder of crows
a barren of mules
a rag of colts
a walk of snipe (what is a snipe anyway? I thought they weren't real...)
an exaltation of larks
a muster of peacocks
a desert of lapwing
a drift of swine
a stud of mares (haha)
a parliament of rooks and owls :)
a glozing of taverners
a covey of ptarmigan (of what??)
a business of ferrets
a drunkship of cobblers (I wonder who picked this noun)
a nye of pheasants
a fall of woodcock
a sege of herons
a herd of curlews
I will be purchasing this book posthaste and sharing its wonders with all those who don't care. I can't wait.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
oh my hell.
So, you know how I like animals and want to own a farm. Well, I just have to say that nothing, and I want to make myself absolutely clear, NOTHING makes me happier than this picture. Nothing. I mean, look at it. The puppy is sleeping, as happy as can be. The hen is as protective as ever. If you touch her puppy she will kill you. And the chick is so confused. It's all I ever wanted.
the last three weeks, in case you were wondering.
The last time I blogged was on my birthday, three weeks ago. It's not surprising since this month has been one of the busiest months of my life, and even now that school is done I can't really stop. Still have papers to grade, still have to work, have to get my life back into some kind of order and jump on my thesis work. I thought that I'd give a rundown of all the things I've done this month.
My birthday was on Friday the 3rd and I had a nice dinner with a lot of friends, went to gallery stroll and had cake at my house with more friends. My little sister came down and visited me for the weekend and I got to see people I hadn't seen in a long time. Very awesome.
I left for New Orleans on Tuesday April 7, so I had to get my Great War paper done before then since it would be due the day after I got home, and I managed to do it! I took the bus to Salt Lake, my sister took me to the airport. I ended up taking the same plane as 3 professors from BYU, which ended up being really fun. I sat next to one who was sitting next to a lady that worked for the FBI, and she was extremely interesting to listen to. I also sat next to an old man from New Orleans who had a disgusting burn on his hand that made me sick. He kept buying those little bottles of wine, and after the third he started talking to me. He told me all the things he thought I should do in the city, all the places I should go to eat and the things I should see. The drunk old man's information was very useful to me later, I found.
The night we got into New Orleans I went out to dinner with my professors at a place called Daisy Duke's. It was ok food. I got a seafood omelet and had my first experience with crawfish. LOVED it. I also had grits, which didnt taste like anything to me. (I would try them at another place where they were soooo much better, not runny, and super delicious and buttery). It was weird and fun to hang out with three older married professors. It was a good way to start out the week since I would be hanging out with other professors and I got used to it, I felt very comfortable and could hold my own in a conversation, which definitely came in handy later.
On Wednesday I presented my paper and it went really well. I got some good feedback from the people there and felt pretty good about it. Then Dr. Sederholm, Dr. Perry and I went to the House of Blues and bought tickets to see the Vivian Girls for that night. Then I went to some panels and then went out to dinner with Dr. Sederholm (whom I began to call Carl, which was weird to me) and his friends. I felt really weird at first and almost didn't go, but eventually felt comfortable and had some really interesting conversations. It was a good night. Afterwards we went to the Vivian Girls show and it was pretty awesome.
On Thursday I hung out with my roommate and a guy who was there to present from BYU. It was fun, we just walked around and looked at stuff, went to the French Market and bought some bracelets. Then I ate a beignet. And my life has never been the same since. I went out again Thursday with the same group and had some great conversations yet again. And then I ate a crawfish etouffe and my life has never been the same since. I ate that three more times before I left on Sunday. I had never even heard of this stuff before. Amazing. After Carl's panel we took him to get beignets and then walked around and down Bourbon Street, which is always fun. I think he enjoyed himself, so I'm glad he hung out with us.
On Friday we went on a "Ghost Tour" of the French Quarter, which was boring. But I got to go into a bar that was once a brothel and was allegedly haunted by a dead prostitute. So, well worth the 20 bucks, yeah? I did get to learn a little bit of history, which actually did make it worth going, since I'm a geek for local histories.
I was supposed to come home Saturday, but I decided to extend my flight until Sunday so that I could go to more panels on Saturday and see a little more of the city. I ended up spending the morning in a cemetery, but I think I should have gone on the street car to see the big old houses outside the city, but alas, I went to the most awesome cemetery in the country instead. I'm happy for my decision. I also ended up going to four more panels and talking to a lot more awesome people.
This was definitely one of my favorite trips, especially because I got most of it funded. I still need to bring in receipts and get it all straightened out, but I'll get the hotel and registration paid for at least. I also think it was really good for me as far as figuring out what I want to do with my life. I want to go to conferences and talk to amazing people, and share the work I do and buy the most current books and be involved in that world. And I think going to this conference proved to myself that I can hold my own, that I can contribute. It's made me want to work harder to do all those things I want to do.
Coming home was hard. I had to get up at 3 in the morning to get to my shuttle at 4, the flight was at 6 and I had a 2 hour layover in Atlanta. When I got back I had to take the bus to Provo which was another 2 hours. I didn't get home until 4 that afternoon, and on just 2 hours of sleep. Very not fun. Then I had finals week: a paper due on Tuesday, a final and projects due on Saturday and another paper and a presentation on Saturday. Plus I had to work 20 hours before Saturday. It was a hard week, but I made it through. I couldn't believe how tired I was. By Sunday I had no energy left whatsoever, and this week has been me just taking it easy, enjoying the nice weather, working a bit and spending time with friends. It's been a nice little recovery period.
Now it's back to work.
My birthday was on Friday the 3rd and I had a nice dinner with a lot of friends, went to gallery stroll and had cake at my house with more friends. My little sister came down and visited me for the weekend and I got to see people I hadn't seen in a long time. Very awesome.
I left for New Orleans on Tuesday April 7, so I had to get my Great War paper done before then since it would be due the day after I got home, and I managed to do it! I took the bus to Salt Lake, my sister took me to the airport. I ended up taking the same plane as 3 professors from BYU, which ended up being really fun. I sat next to one who was sitting next to a lady that worked for the FBI, and she was extremely interesting to listen to. I also sat next to an old man from New Orleans who had a disgusting burn on his hand that made me sick. He kept buying those little bottles of wine, and after the third he started talking to me. He told me all the things he thought I should do in the city, all the places I should go to eat and the things I should see. The drunk old man's information was very useful to me later, I found.
The night we got into New Orleans I went out to dinner with my professors at a place called Daisy Duke's. It was ok food. I got a seafood omelet and had my first experience with crawfish. LOVED it. I also had grits, which didnt taste like anything to me. (I would try them at another place where they were soooo much better, not runny, and super delicious and buttery). It was weird and fun to hang out with three older married professors. It was a good way to start out the week since I would be hanging out with other professors and I got used to it, I felt very comfortable and could hold my own in a conversation, which definitely came in handy later.
On Wednesday I presented my paper and it went really well. I got some good feedback from the people there and felt pretty good about it. Then Dr. Sederholm, Dr. Perry and I went to the House of Blues and bought tickets to see the Vivian Girls for that night. Then I went to some panels and then went out to dinner with Dr. Sederholm (whom I began to call Carl, which was weird to me) and his friends. I felt really weird at first and almost didn't go, but eventually felt comfortable and had some really interesting conversations. It was a good night. Afterwards we went to the Vivian Girls show and it was pretty awesome.
On Thursday I hung out with my roommate and a guy who was there to present from BYU. It was fun, we just walked around and looked at stuff, went to the French Market and bought some bracelets. Then I ate a beignet. And my life has never been the same since. I went out again Thursday with the same group and had some great conversations yet again. And then I ate a crawfish etouffe and my life has never been the same since. I ate that three more times before I left on Sunday. I had never even heard of this stuff before. Amazing. After Carl's panel we took him to get beignets and then walked around and down Bourbon Street, which is always fun. I think he enjoyed himself, so I'm glad he hung out with us.
On Friday we went on a "Ghost Tour" of the French Quarter, which was boring. But I got to go into a bar that was once a brothel and was allegedly haunted by a dead prostitute. So, well worth the 20 bucks, yeah? I did get to learn a little bit of history, which actually did make it worth going, since I'm a geek for local histories.
I was supposed to come home Saturday, but I decided to extend my flight until Sunday so that I could go to more panels on Saturday and see a little more of the city. I ended up spending the morning in a cemetery, but I think I should have gone on the street car to see the big old houses outside the city, but alas, I went to the most awesome cemetery in the country instead. I'm happy for my decision. I also ended up going to four more panels and talking to a lot more awesome people.
This was definitely one of my favorite trips, especially because I got most of it funded. I still need to bring in receipts and get it all straightened out, but I'll get the hotel and registration paid for at least. I also think it was really good for me as far as figuring out what I want to do with my life. I want to go to conferences and talk to amazing people, and share the work I do and buy the most current books and be involved in that world. And I think going to this conference proved to myself that I can hold my own, that I can contribute. It's made me want to work harder to do all those things I want to do.
Coming home was hard. I had to get up at 3 in the morning to get to my shuttle at 4, the flight was at 6 and I had a 2 hour layover in Atlanta. When I got back I had to take the bus to Provo which was another 2 hours. I didn't get home until 4 that afternoon, and on just 2 hours of sleep. Very not fun. Then I had finals week: a paper due on Tuesday, a final and projects due on Saturday and another paper and a presentation on Saturday. Plus I had to work 20 hours before Saturday. It was a hard week, but I made it through. I couldn't believe how tired I was. By Sunday I had no energy left whatsoever, and this week has been me just taking it easy, enjoying the nice weather, working a bit and spending time with friends. It's been a nice little recovery period.
Now it's back to work.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Animals
I love animals, simply for the sheer fact that I am astonished by life. I don't love animals because I wish I could live like them, or because they are always cute, or even because they like me (they generally don't and never have, and I don't know why). I love them because they are alive, in spite of the fact that they are sometimes dumb, annoying, scary, ugly, boring, or what; in spite of the fact that I got chased by a goose today, that the ducks think they can chase me now, that a bird pooped on my head yesterday morning. I still love them. There is a force inside of them giving them life, and I am in awe of it. Today I was tempted to pick up the worms that had found their way onto the sidewalks and save their little tiny lives. I honestly feel guilty that I didn't. This strange affinity for animals that has grown so much in the last year or so is a big factor in me deciding to not eat meat as much. I don't think I'll ever be a vegetarian, but I am definitely more aware now of the life that was taken so that I could live, and I try to stay aware of that.
I don't think I could ever even kill a spider again. In fact, I think that's where this affinity all started. Like most people I was freaked out by spiders but I was always the one to kill the gross things, without hesitation. A friend of mine once picked up a spider and brought it outside. I asked why he didn't kill it and he said that he likes spider, that they are solitary and mind their own business, "Just like me", he said, and they didn't deserve to die. It hit me then that he was right. They don't deserve to die. I couldnt squelch that life force out of them and for little to no real reason. This was also the friend that helped me save a giant ugly dragon fly and a tiny baby bird when he certainly didn't have to. I had always loved animals before but he made me realize that I should love them whether they give anything to me in return or not. He taught me a valuable lesson, I should probably thank him.
And so I really cannot wait for the day when I can have all kinds of creatures under my care, which is one reason why I want to have a farm, so there can be lots of room for lots of different animals.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Yes, another post about waterfowl...
On the way home last night I walked past the group of ducks I normally walk past. I wasnt paying much attention but when I looked up I saw they were actually trying to chase me. No joke. They were acting like geese, with their tongues out, hissing. It freaked me out a little and then made me laugh a lot. This morning it happened again. (Although with a little less hatred than yesterday.) Then when I got to work there was a duck sitting in the parking lot, staring at me.
Clearly my life is a parody of The Birds.
Clearly my life is a parody of The Birds.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Hello, my name is...
I was hit with kind of an epiphany today, but I guess it was more like a surge of altruism. I was thinking about something that happened the other day and realized that I have a huge change to make in my life. On Wednesday a boy sat down at the table where I was eating breakfast and proceeded to talk to me. It was a great conversation, one of the best I've ever had with a total stranger, and yet it has been bothering me a lot the last couple of days. I am bothered by the fact that I did not get his last name or number because I'm sure he would make a great friend. But what bothers me most of all is walking around campus and feeling so anonymous and alone when there are literally thousands of people all around me. No one had ever sat and talked to me like that, and I have never done it either. And I think what the nicest thing about it was that he wanted to talk to me. It wasn't like being forced into a situation with people like at work or in a classroom (or on a date). He didn't have to talk to me, and yet he did. It wasn't awkward because we weren't trying to fill in silence, we were just getting to know each other. I'm bothered because I want that to happen again, all the time. I want to know everyone. I want to feel like I'm part of a community, not a stranger. I think I'm socially retarded because this comes to me as something completely novel and amazing. I can actually talk to strangers and hold good conversations? What? Really?
So I've made a goal. I'm going to make at least 2 new good friends this summer from talking to random people. Friends I hang out with, not just facebook friends. And as a short term goal I'm going to go up to campus tomorrow to study and I will eat my lunch with a random person and get to know him or her. I'm getting really bored with just hanging out with me all the time.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
the boy least likely to...
I just got the new album by The Boy Least Likely To, and I want to hate it but I just can't. It's adorable. It's disgustingly adorable. I loved the first album, Best Party Ever, because of its cuteness, because of the xylophone and the banjo and all the weird little toy sounds. I loved songs like "Be Gentle with Me" and "I See Spiders when I Close My Eyes" and "My Tiger My Heart" because they are about the insecurities and fears of growing up when we are forced to let go of not only childhood toys but also childhood ways of thinking and seeing the world. The Boy Least Likely To manages to keep that childlike perspective. One of my favorite songs from the first album, "Be Gentle with Me" has lyrics like "I'm happy because I'm stupid, scared of spiders, scared of flying. If I wasn't so happy I wouldn't be so scared of dying. So just be gentle with me, and I'll be gentle with you." And from "Papercuts" there are lines like "Nothing stays the same, I wish I could remain the color of the cherry blossom tree, I've always been in love with you. I used to read before I went to sleep, now I just pass out watching T.V." It's sad and sweet and honest, but pretty cutesy. And so a second album I knew would be just too much, especially if they kept up with the same style and type of childish songs. And they did, and it is too much. But I love it. I can't help it. I roll my eyes and tap my feet and relate to the coming of age silliness.
I tend to be a little bit skeptical of sophomore albums, especially if the first one was a bit of a success. I don't want the band to find themselves stuck in a rut because the first things they did worked so well. I feel like they lose something, some genuineness that was there in the first album. And so that's why I want to hate this album, and why I roll my eyes when I listen to it. It's really more the same stuff. We have songs like "The Boy with Two Hearts" and "A Balloon on a Broken String" and a song about a cat called "Whiskers", and lyrics that stick to the theme of being a childlike grownup: "If I want to feel something I stick pencils up my nose." Yup. And there's a song about making lemons into lemonade. The xylophone, banjo and toy noises (cogs and whistles) are still there. And like I said I can't help but love it, in an uncomfortably cynical way. It's weird. I particularly like the song "The Boy with Two Hearts". Set to tinkling xylophone and a "oohmp oohmp" tuba are lyrics like "I know I'm not much fun to be with, but you love me all the same. And someday i can hopefully just go back to being myself." Hmm. I can't say that I necessarily relate to this, but I see how it expresses the struggles of a young person in a relationship. My favorite song on the album, however, is "Every Goliath Has Its David". Hand claps and high pitched strings accompany "And I know [rest 2, 3, 4] Kung fu [rest 2, 3, 4] and I'm not afraid of you!" It's an anthem to the underdog.There used to be this genre of pop music in England in the '70s and '80s called "Twee" and this reminds me of some of those bands. If The Boy Least Likely To is not as twee as f**k I dont know what is.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Books
As I frequently advertise I am not a huge fan of reading. I don't love it and I never have. In fact, I faked loving it as a kid so I could look smart. But I still read. It's important to me, and I find it to be rewarding work at times but never "fun". I'd rather be watching tv or skinny dipping or something. I have read/listened to a few books in the last 2 and a half months, and I'm trying to keep better track of what I read, so I thought I'd write about them since the experiences I have with books (and media in general) usually notably affect me and how I look at the world. Most of these books were for my World War I class and the others were books I listened to at work.
The first book I read this year was Testament of Youth by Vera Brittain, a memoir detailing Brittain's life during the first World War as a volunteer nurse. It's a heartbreaking story as she loses the men in her life; her best friends, her brother, her lover. I was inspired by her will to work, to do everything she could to help the war effort as long as her friends were out fighting. A volunteer nurse's life was not easy and she managed to make it through 4 years of service, working in London, Malta and finally on the Western Front in France, right behind the lines. She had to deal with trials specific to her sex, the fact that she was torn between duty to family and duty to the war effort. She lost everyone she loved and yet she kept going. She was as much of a soldier as any man. She made me realize that as a woman I have as much duty and ability to go out into the world and make a difference as any man. She taught me that losing yourself in work, even for the most selfish reasons, can make enduring pain and suffering possible, and that hard times are what form us into remarkable people.
Rebecca West was another remarkable author from the Great War period. Her book Return of the Soldier was written before the end of the war and takes place just before the Battle of the Somme. It is about two incredibly selfish women who are thrown a curveball when the husband of one (the other woman is his cousin) returns from the war with shellshock and amnesia. I hated those women. They only saw themselves as objects in this man's home, prized possessions. The great part is when they find out that he had been in love with a poor woman years before and he can only remember her. He only wants to see her. We learn they had had a misunderstanding and an argument and had become estranged (she never got his letters for some reason). So they find this woman and bring her to the house and he is like a boy again. And he hates his annoying wife. They figure out what might bring his memory back and the question is raised as to whether or not they should try it. If he does get his memory back he will go back to war and likely die (especially, as the author and the readers know, the Battle of the Somme will begin immediately in his future, a battle with one and a half million casualties). But the annoying wife doesn't care. She is simply jealous of this other lower class woman in her home and would do anything for her husband to be able to remember her, his wife. It's a sad little novella, but I loved it.
I bought this book on audio after seeing the author, Sarah Vowell, on the Daily Show. I loved how geeky and smart the she was and I knew I'd appreciate her enthusiasm with the assassination of presidents. She goes on a veritable pilgrimage to anything associated with Lincoln, McKinley and Garfield and their assassinations, and while a lot of times I thought "Why another boring plaque in some obscure part of Washington??" I loved Vowell's commentary on American history and how eerily repeatable it is. (She spends a whole chapter pointing out how similar the situations leading to the Spanish American war and the Iraq war were.) I also loved how she made these trips all over the Eastern United States just to experience the things she had so easily read in history books. I want to do that. I also learned a lot about American history, which is always valuable.
I also listened to High Fidelity while walking to an from work for a couple days. It was a fast listen, and I appreciated how messed up and unromantic the characters and plot were, how relationships take work and effort and energy to maintain. I of course liked all the music and pop culture references, and the whole thing wasn't much unlike the movie, which I kind of love.
I most recently read another short novel by a woman author from the World War One era called Pale Horse, Pale Rider by Kathrine Anne Porter. It is a fiction, but based on the author's experiences at the end of the war when she caught the Spanish flu. Much of it is written in a stream of consciousness style that reflects the fluidity of the character's dreams while suffering the flu. She is a journalist in Denver and meets and falls in love with a soldier named Adam. She falls ill and he stays by her side until he leaves to get food and people come and take her away to the hospital. They never get to say goodbye and they won't allow him to see her in the hospital. She almost dies; in fact, Porter was in the same situation where she was so ill that they initially left her on a gurney in the crowded hospital corridor to die. Somehow she recovers after weeks of delirium. I loved most the liminal space she finds herself after coming out of her delirium. She dreamed she was dead, she accepted that she was dead, and suddenly she was forced back into the living world with everyone congratulating her for not dying and she didn't want to be there. After her experience Porter said that she had died already and wasn't afraid to do it again. Another incredible woman.
Well, so those are some of the books I've read since the new year. I also read Watchmen, but I don't really have much to say about it, so I'll refrain right now. The notable thing about that experience was that I read it in one 7 hour sitting. I knew I wouldn't finish it otherwise.
I bought 3 more audio books today and I'm excited to get through them and write about what I thought. One is called Stiff and it's about dead bodies, another is The Story of Philosophy and the third is called This is Your Brain on Music. Looking forward to all of them.
The first book I read this year was Testament of Youth by Vera Brittain, a memoir detailing Brittain's life during the first World War as a volunteer nurse. It's a heartbreaking story as she loses the men in her life; her best friends, her brother, her lover. I was inspired by her will to work, to do everything she could to help the war effort as long as her friends were out fighting. A volunteer nurse's life was not easy and she managed to make it through 4 years of service, working in London, Malta and finally on the Western Front in France, right behind the lines. She had to deal with trials specific to her sex, the fact that she was torn between duty to family and duty to the war effort. She lost everyone she loved and yet she kept going. She was as much of a soldier as any man. She made me realize that as a woman I have as much duty and ability to go out into the world and make a difference as any man. She taught me that losing yourself in work, even for the most selfish reasons, can make enduring pain and suffering possible, and that hard times are what form us into remarkable people.
Rebecca West was another remarkable author from the Great War period. Her book Return of the Soldier was written before the end of the war and takes place just before the Battle of the Somme. It is about two incredibly selfish women who are thrown a curveball when the husband of one (the other woman is his cousin) returns from the war with shellshock and amnesia. I hated those women. They only saw themselves as objects in this man's home, prized possessions. The great part is when they find out that he had been in love with a poor woman years before and he can only remember her. He only wants to see her. We learn they had had a misunderstanding and an argument and had become estranged (she never got his letters for some reason). So they find this woman and bring her to the house and he is like a boy again. And he hates his annoying wife. They figure out what might bring his memory back and the question is raised as to whether or not they should try it. If he does get his memory back he will go back to war and likely die (especially, as the author and the readers know, the Battle of the Somme will begin immediately in his future, a battle with one and a half million casualties). But the annoying wife doesn't care. She is simply jealous of this other lower class woman in her home and would do anything for her husband to be able to remember her, his wife. It's a sad little novella, but I loved it.
I bought this book on audio after seeing the author, Sarah Vowell, on the Daily Show. I loved how geeky and smart the she was and I knew I'd appreciate her enthusiasm with the assassination of presidents. She goes on a veritable pilgrimage to anything associated with Lincoln, McKinley and Garfield and their assassinations, and while a lot of times I thought "Why another boring plaque in some obscure part of Washington??" I loved Vowell's commentary on American history and how eerily repeatable it is. (She spends a whole chapter pointing out how similar the situations leading to the Spanish American war and the Iraq war were.) I also loved how she made these trips all over the Eastern United States just to experience the things she had so easily read in history books. I want to do that. I also learned a lot about American history, which is always valuable.
I also listened to High Fidelity while walking to an from work for a couple days. It was a fast listen, and I appreciated how messed up and unromantic the characters and plot were, how relationships take work and effort and energy to maintain. I of course liked all the music and pop culture references, and the whole thing wasn't much unlike the movie, which I kind of love.
I most recently read another short novel by a woman author from the World War One era called Pale Horse, Pale Rider by Kathrine Anne Porter. It is a fiction, but based on the author's experiences at the end of the war when she caught the Spanish flu. Much of it is written in a stream of consciousness style that reflects the fluidity of the character's dreams while suffering the flu. She is a journalist in Denver and meets and falls in love with a soldier named Adam. She falls ill and he stays by her side until he leaves to get food and people come and take her away to the hospital. They never get to say goodbye and they won't allow him to see her in the hospital. She almost dies; in fact, Porter was in the same situation where she was so ill that they initially left her on a gurney in the crowded hospital corridor to die. Somehow she recovers after weeks of delirium. I loved most the liminal space she finds herself after coming out of her delirium. She dreamed she was dead, she accepted that she was dead, and suddenly she was forced back into the living world with everyone congratulating her for not dying and she didn't want to be there. After her experience Porter said that she had died already and wasn't afraid to do it again. Another incredible woman.Well, so those are some of the books I've read since the new year. I also read Watchmen, but I don't really have much to say about it, so I'll refrain right now. The notable thing about that experience was that I read it in one 7 hour sitting. I knew I wouldn't finish it otherwise.
I bought 3 more audio books today and I'm excited to get through them and write about what I thought. One is called Stiff and it's about dead bodies, another is The Story of Philosophy and the third is called This is Your Brain on Music. Looking forward to all of them.
Friday, March 13, 2009
academic persuits
I have had an intense couple of thinking days this week.
After convincing myself for the past year that a PhD. is simply not for me and trying an alternative future path, I'm suddenly back to where I was before I got to be so bitter about academia. I've realized what an incredibly horrible attitude I have had, how I've fallen into a habit of super negative self criticism and how this bitterness and negativity has held me back from what I've always known I wanted to do. I don't know what happened that made me so bitter towards school and my abilities, but since this is my last semester taking classes I know that my attitude has changed a lot and I'm seeing now how much I love school, how talented I might actually be and how much I have really learned in the last two years. I can't believe how far I've come in two years. How much my character has grown, how much my skills as a writer, researcher and teacher have been honed. I notice that I no longer shake uncontrollably when I am put on the spot, that I can write a paper with an actual plan from the beginning, crafting the words to make a very particular point (rather than throwing something out there and realizing at the end what my point actually is).
So I see how good this has been for me. I see how I might actually be able to succeed in a PhD program, but I worry about overcoming the negative habits I have fallen into. Can I really have confidence enough in myself to do a PhD program. I used to ask myself all the time "Would it even be worth it?" and for some reason the answer came to be no. But now looking at it, how can it be no? Not only have a grown a lot in the last two years, but I'm also seeing now just how much I have left to learn. A PhD would be difficult but would ultimately be worth it, even if I don't find an immediate, tenured job in academia. Should I give up the talent I possess, the talent I have been honing over the last 7 years? I do one thing well and that is writing academic papers. I am insightful and know how to make connections and am incredibly detail oriented. It's what I do well, why should I not continue to do it?
I should. I need to be more positive and I need to be much more assertive. I attended a panel yesterday with all the women in my department (there are only five) and I learned a lot about what I will have to do in the next little while in order to find myself a good PhD program. Well, most of it wasn't actually new to me, but I feel a new resolve to just do those things and push forward.
I need to research the professors in programs I am interested in, read their works and email them. I am so open right now with an area; I can see throwing myself into any number of topic, time periods, theories.
I need to learn French. This has actually been bothering me for some time now, and I should have been working on it these last two years, but I can still start soon. I'm going to sit in on some French classes this spring and summer while I'm here. I should also look into learning German. If I get into a program, really any program in the humanities, I'll have to take proficiency exams so I can't be lazy about this anymore. I know how to learn a language.
I need to catch up on reading, especially theory. I need to read Nietzsche (for some reason that seems pressing to me). I need to read feminist writings. I need to read journals in my field and see what's coming out right now. I need to read journals from other areas (like art history, comparative literature) to get ideas of what kind of area I want to start focusing on.
I need to try to go to another conference this year and get involved with the ones going on here. There's a Mormons in Academia conference coming up and I think it would be really great if I got involved somehow.
The main point is that I can't sit around on my butt being all bitter and negative anymore. It's ridiculous and it's only holding me back. I love to teach, I love to research, I love to analyze, I love to write and I am good at those things. I can't throw that away.
After convincing myself for the past year that a PhD. is simply not for me and trying an alternative future path, I'm suddenly back to where I was before I got to be so bitter about academia. I've realized what an incredibly horrible attitude I have had, how I've fallen into a habit of super negative self criticism and how this bitterness and negativity has held me back from what I've always known I wanted to do. I don't know what happened that made me so bitter towards school and my abilities, but since this is my last semester taking classes I know that my attitude has changed a lot and I'm seeing now how much I love school, how talented I might actually be and how much I have really learned in the last two years. I can't believe how far I've come in two years. How much my character has grown, how much my skills as a writer, researcher and teacher have been honed. I notice that I no longer shake uncontrollably when I am put on the spot, that I can write a paper with an actual plan from the beginning, crafting the words to make a very particular point (rather than throwing something out there and realizing at the end what my point actually is).
So I see how good this has been for me. I see how I might actually be able to succeed in a PhD program, but I worry about overcoming the negative habits I have fallen into. Can I really have confidence enough in myself to do a PhD program. I used to ask myself all the time "Would it even be worth it?" and for some reason the answer came to be no. But now looking at it, how can it be no? Not only have a grown a lot in the last two years, but I'm also seeing now just how much I have left to learn. A PhD would be difficult but would ultimately be worth it, even if I don't find an immediate, tenured job in academia. Should I give up the talent I possess, the talent I have been honing over the last 7 years? I do one thing well and that is writing academic papers. I am insightful and know how to make connections and am incredibly detail oriented. It's what I do well, why should I not continue to do it?
I should. I need to be more positive and I need to be much more assertive. I attended a panel yesterday with all the women in my department (there are only five) and I learned a lot about what I will have to do in the next little while in order to find myself a good PhD program. Well, most of it wasn't actually new to me, but I feel a new resolve to just do those things and push forward.
I need to research the professors in programs I am interested in, read their works and email them. I am so open right now with an area; I can see throwing myself into any number of topic, time periods, theories.
I need to learn French. This has actually been bothering me for some time now, and I should have been working on it these last two years, but I can still start soon. I'm going to sit in on some French classes this spring and summer while I'm here. I should also look into learning German. If I get into a program, really any program in the humanities, I'll have to take proficiency exams so I can't be lazy about this anymore. I know how to learn a language.
I need to catch up on reading, especially theory. I need to read Nietzsche (for some reason that seems pressing to me). I need to read feminist writings. I need to read journals in my field and see what's coming out right now. I need to read journals from other areas (like art history, comparative literature) to get ideas of what kind of area I want to start focusing on.
I need to try to go to another conference this year and get involved with the ones going on here. There's a Mormons in Academia conference coming up and I think it would be really great if I got involved somehow.
The main point is that I can't sit around on my butt being all bitter and negative anymore. It's ridiculous and it's only holding me back. I love to teach, I love to research, I love to analyze, I love to write and I am good at those things. I can't throw that away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)