whither must I wander?

As I come up to a huge month of change and events I can't help but feel extremely anxious for my future. I defend my thesis this Thursday, I'll find out if I am accepted or rejected from 4 schools within the next two weeks, I'm going to a conference at the end of the month and I'll be celebrating another birthday. Then I graduate for the second time in 7 years. I don't know what is in store for me, where I'll be in the next six months, or in the next two months for that matter. It's easy to get all disparaging, to think about the missed opportunities, the time I may or may not have wasted in the last 4 years since I graduated the first time. It's easy to heap regrets on regrets, and for some reason that is all I can seem to do. When I ask myself the question, "Am I where I want to be? Have I done what I wanted to do? Am I on the path to where I want to go and who I want to become?" I don't even know what the answer is, but I have a sinking feeling that it's a big resounding no.

I don't like thinking this way, but the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind.

Appropriately I've been listening to this song a lot this week. It's a song based on a poem by Robert Louis Stephenson, and is on the Martha Wainwright album I'm in love with.

Home no more home to me, whither must I wander?
Hunger my driver, I go where I must.
Cold blows the winter wind over hill and heather:
Thick drives the rain and my roof is in the dust.
Loved of wise men was the shade of my roof-tree,
The true word of welcome was spoken in the door -
Dear days of old with the faces in the firelight,
Kind folks of old, you come again no more.

up where the clouds meet the snow

I used to blog on livejournal, and it was not so public as this one, so I always would post more personal things. I also had a habit of posting lyrics to songs I really loved at the time. Well, I'm going to do that again because I have a couple of songs on my mind. When it comes to music I am more inclined to love and listen to the lyrics, and I feel that with pop music especially the lyrics are often the most important part, and the music serves to support them. This isn't always true, but I tend to like those songs better. The problem, as a result, is that lyrics posted in a blog apart from their music sound really dumb. Nevertheless, I like to thing that pop songs are the popular poetry of our time. During World War One everyone loved reading poetry and everyone else fancied themselves a poet. Hundreds of poems were published every week in newspapers and journals and people would memorize them and recite them. Pop music is like that for us now, so much more accessible than it was before. (I mean literally accessible, not in the sense that it was too hard to understand ten years ago, but the sheer volume of music that everyone is capable of listening to throughout their day is remarkable.)

I usually only listen to two or three songs throughout the week, just as if I had picked out my few favorite poems to read from the newspaper for the week, committed them to memory and shared them with all my friends. So this is me sharing a few of my favorite songs to you, my invisible friends out there in Internet void.

I discovered Martha Wainwright this week. She's not the best thing I ever heard, but I love her voice as an alternative to Feist or St. Vincent, someone who seems a little more low key to me. Her songs are interesting, and I'm loving her lyrics. This song is called Far Away.


And here are the lyrics:

Far away
In some lovely way I hear your call
Whatever happened to them all?
Whatever happened to us all?

I know that we've never met before
But that was then, and now I need you more
Is someone here keeping the score?
Is there only dying at your door?
Taking me down off this cross
Lay me down, down, down in the dust
Whoa, love, take my hand across the crowd
I have been digging underground
What'er remains is yet to be found
I have no children
I have no husband
I have no reason
To be alive
Oh, give me one

Green grass blades are all on fire
I own the crack that's in the wind
From your window I see bars & the birds
They sing & they sing & they sing & they sing
And the dogs
They bark & they bark & they bark & they bark & they bark

Whatever happened to them all?
Whatever happened to us all?

Annie had two young baby boys
And Jimi went crazy, crazy, crazy late last fall

The other song is "Capturing Moods" by Rilo Kiley. It's not new to me, but it's one that keeps popping in my head in the weirdest times and I feel compelled to listen to it. Yesterday I was having a bad day, and the song had been in my head all morning, and as I was walking home it came up on shuffle on my ipod. I took it as a sign, then the sun came out and I felt so much better. My favorite line is "There's life and work up where the clouds meet the snow". At that moment I looked up to the mountains and the clouds were there, meeting the snow. It made me smile.

Moods don't command you if you don't know what you're going through
There's love for you up where the population grows
There are friendly people in cities too, just ask them where they are going to
There's life and work up where the clouds meet the snow
And i don't mind waiting
I'm always one step ahead of you if you don't know what you're going through
There's laughs and fun up where the conversation flows

I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time
I don't mind braving the coldest winters of our time
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes

This is your last line of defense
You can sell your baseball cards just to pay your rent, yeah

I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time
I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes

So there you have it, two of the four or five songs I've been listening to all week.

nothing bad could ever happen to you in a place like Tiffany's

A few close friends know about my love for Tiffany & Co. But I feel the need to share with the world just how much I love this company and what it really means to me. Now, I don't pride myself on being particularly materialistic, and it's not likely that I'll ever spend a good deal of money at Tiffany's on those stupid little trinkets that they have, like this $150 sterling silver bubble blower. But, I know that when I have the money to spend on a significant piece of jewelery I will go to Tiffany's.

Let me tell you why. When I was in high school I went to San Francisco with a friend to see the city and go shopping. At the end of the day we passed Tiffany's and he really wanted to go in. I had an armful of bags, I was sweaty, wearing my oversized lettermen jacket, and looked like a 16 year old mess. But I wanted to buy something from Tiffany's. So i found a place where I could pile all my crap, in the corner by the elevator, and looked through the store. I felt like I did not belong in this beautiful place where the cheapest thing I could find was a $40 champagne flute. I decided to buy it, because it was the cheapest thing, even though I could never use it and would probably just give it to my mom for a Christmas present or something. When I asked for help I expected the clerk to be snooty and snobby. He wasn't. He was respectful and kind. I told him I wanted the flute and he said "Just one?" "Yes, I said. It's a replacement. For my mom." I felt dumb for lying, but he didn't seem to care anyway. He asked if I wanted it giftwrapped and put it in this lovely little box, and wrapped it up with one of those lovely little red bows. All this fuss, over a little champagne flute. I was impressed and I felt good.

A few years later I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time, and it immediately became my favorite movie. And I'm telling you now that it is my favorite film. Number 1 on my all time list. Why? Because it's about these really two screwed up people, basically prostitutes, who decide that they can be more, and that they can do it together. They learn to value themselves and each other, not for what they could give or get, but for who they are. And in the film is that famous line that has always stuck with me: "Nothing bad could ever happen to you in a place like Tiffany's." I felt that way when I had gone in there before. Also, when they were in Tiffany's they did something which I always do, make the cheapest purchase possible. For them they got engraved a little metal ring, and of course the salesman treated them as if they were spendings thousands of dollars.

A couple years ago I went back to the Tiffany's in San Francisco, and I decided I wanted to make another purchase. I determined to find the cheapest thing I possibly could, which ended up being a lovely set of playing cards which I bought for $30. I of course experienced the same treatment as before and was really impressed with them. It didn't feel like I was poor and buying the cheapest item in the whole store. The last time I went was THE Tiffany store in New York, the very one where Holly Golightly stood, staring in the window and eating her pastry, at the beginning of Breakfast at Tiffany's. It was at Christmas time and decorated to the hilt. This time I indicated to the saleswoman that I wanted the least expensive item in the store. I told her I had bought playing cards before and was thinking of getting another set in a different color. "No!" she said, "You have to buy something for yourself!" and she found a little leather notebook with silver engravings on it and convinced me to buy it for $40.

So basically, this place is smart. Unlike some other high end stores and boutiques, especially those in Europe, Tiffany & Co. is not concerned with making its potential customers feel like they don't belong to some elite group. It's not about providing the most important people with items that are the most difficult to obtain. I feel like it's about the product, that they believe that the things they create and sell are beautiful and people should enjoy those beautiful things. They know that if they can treat a poor college student with dignity and respect that that poor college student may come back some day with a sense of loyalty to their company. And I probably will. I feel a loyalty to Tiffany's also because there are memories and emotional connections to it. I love the role it played in my favorite film, and I love how they provided a stupid, awkward 16 year old with a wonderful experience. I can't forget that.

I want my wedding ring to come from Tiffany's and I've found the perfect one. It's a silver band, with a tiny diamond inset. And it costs $275. The price is reasonable, it's made by a company I respect and not some jeweler at the mall, and it comes in a lovely little blue box with a red ribbon. What more could you ask for?

expectations

I've been thinking a lot about expectations, the expectations I have for other people or for myself and what everyone else expects from me. A lot of times these expectations aren't communicated well and everyone is left guessing. I feel like I'm at a constant struggle to meet expectations that don't actually exist, not in the way that I perceive them anyway. I feel like I'm always trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm even trying to be what the Internet wants me to be when I blog or post something on facebook. It's kind of weird to think that the Internet has expectations from me, and that I have to shape myself to fit its mold. But isn't it true? Rather than just being myself, I'm always trying to be what I want all of the anonymous voyeurs of my life want me to be. I don't know exactly who you are, but I know you are watching me through the Internet. This is slightly unnerving. Hopefully I like you and wouldn't mind you looking in to my life, but you're essentially faceless to me. I think it would be slightly different to be a real writer with a real following, to not know the people who look in to my life, but I know most of you. Granted it does make things easier to say once what I'm doing and how I'm doing instead of calling each individual I know on facebook, but I'd almost rather do that. Why don't you call me sometime? I'd love to hear from you.

It's just so odd to me that I know so many people that flow in and out of my life, that communication has become so much more easy, and as a result I have become more and more reclusive. I have a total of 4 friends right now who I spend time with on a regular basis, who I don't feel weird about calling. I'm pretty sure before facebook that I had at least 6. But when I blog, when I twitter, when I say something on facebook, I'm only talking to myself. No one is around to receive immediately what I am saying. I'm talking in to space and hoping someone will comment on what I say, will acknowledge my existence. I want a dialogue. I don't want to participate in this one-sided conversation. I can be very shy by nature; if I'm not in just the right mood I don't want to talk to anyone, and so I usually had to force myself to be around people. Now I don't, and so I slip into a quiet introverted existence, but really I just want to talk to you.

I went to a dance concert last night, and I loved it. I used to really hate what seemed to be as arbitrary and ridiculous body movements found in modern dance, but now I really get into the expressive power of the human body. My friend who came with me told me that she was jealous that these people spend all day moving their bodies at school when she is forced to sit at a computer all day. I feel the same way. I want to be more aware of and in control of my body and I want to use it more than as a house for my brain and a set of hands to do the typing. But I don't have to, so I don't. Exercise is a chore, a boring tedious chore, and I always do better when I'm actually using my body. When I'm busy and have to walk and stand and work for hours on end. That's when I feel healthy. I think my body was made for another time and place. I have tremendously muscled legs, and I'm built big and strong and hardy. Perfect for a farm or something. But here in this world I don't meet up to the expectations of the society I live in to be small and lean. I'm just not either of those things, and so I have to redefine the expecations I have for myself and forget about the world I live in and what they want me to be. That's hard to do, but I can't see myself happy and satisfied any other way.

Anyway, I feel like I'm always trying to fool the world and the people in it. I can't let them know of my faults or they won't like me. I can't let the internet see me write something stupid, I can't let the boy I like more than other boy know that I like him, I can't let people see that I never wear matched socks, that I don't care about the clothes I wear as much as I'd like to because I'm lazy, or that I secretly long for someone to just hold my hand I'm twenty five for heaven's sake.
Of course there's a solution to this, but I'm tired of trying to come up with solutions to everything, to say that I'm too good to care about what the world thinks and that what I think is the only thing that matters and all that other bullshit. We all define ourselves by expectations, we measure ourselves against what we want and what we have or don't have, and I'll probably keep doing it. Maybe someday I'll be who you want me to be, and maybe I'll be who I want me to be. Either way I don't know if that someday is in my lifetime.

busy busy

I'm trying really hard to keep my life as busy as possible. The busier I am, the better I can maintain a decent sleeping schedule, the more I can get done and the less time I have to sit around and be dramatic. So, when my department secretary called me this week and asked if I could take on another teaching assistantship I didn't hesitate for a second. I'll be TAing Humanities 202, getting an extra 1o hours a week. That's double what I was making last week, so I'm very pleased. I can't wait to see my next paycheck.

Taking on another class, 50 more students, and two more teaching hours on Friday will be kind of crazy, especially since I am defending my thesis this semester and applying to PhD programs, and taking a Comparative Literature class that has a heavy load of reading. Fridays will be the most interesting days. I have class at 8:00, then I teach 202 at 10:00, 101 at 11:00 and 12:00 and another 202 at 1:00. That's 4 hours of teaching in row. I'm going to be exhausted. At least I'll be done with the day by 2:00 and feel accomplished.

Tomorrow will be class prep day, but I also need to figure out what the heck is going on with my thesis. If I have to defend in early March that means I need to get a copy of my draft to my readers as soon as possible.

Oh, I've also finally opened up an etsy shop. It's still coming together, but today I took photos of items and posted two of them. I've been anxious about this, and getting it going was a big accomplishment for me. I have lots of stuff I'd like to sell and I'm tired of just talking about it. I also just organized most of my yarn and found a lot of great stuff I can use to make more items, and I have some good ideas. Before I get a new project started I need to finish off a few more things and get all the finished items up on etsy. That should be a good weekend project.

Austen-loving werewolves, vampires and wedding receptions

I had a tremendous day today. I just got home at 11:00 pm and I've been out of my house since 7:30. But these are my favorite kind of days and I feel great. I had class at 8:00 today and I didn't fall asleep, and then I did student interviews and ran some errands until I taught at 11:00. This is the first lab day of the semester and I loved my first section. They were happy, enthusiastic, talkative and got really into the movie clips I showed. The best part was a lovely young man, tall, dark and totally beautiful, who got so excited about Pride and Prejudice and told me that his favorite version of it was the BBC one. I couldn't help but laugh to myself at this Jacob from Twilight lookalike who loved Pride and Prejudice. I wonder how many 19 year olds girls in my class are in love with him already. The second section was meh. They didn't talk, they didn't laugh at my jokes, which made me go a little too far in trying to get a reaction and probably caused me to freaked them out a little. Plus I was tired from already talking non stop for the previous two hours, and I didn't want to do it all over again. And in this class instead of a beautiful earnest young man who loves Pride and Prejudice I have a snarky smartass to contend with. Joy.

After class a friend came and got me and we went to a matinee of Daybreakers. I loved it. It was dark (like film noir dark) and scary and beautiful and bloody. The blood was gorgeous and there was just enough of it. I'm so excited that there is finally a movie that really explores the logical end of the vampire myth: what would happen if the Cullens turned everyone into a vampire? How could a world run by vampires sustain itself without a steady supply of blood? What happens when vampires stop becoming hunters and start mass producing blood? Buffy of course explored this a little in the episode when Cordelia wished Buffy had never come to Sunnydale and the whole town was run by vampires. The movie actually reminded me a lot of this episode. Anyway, it also fully explores the conventions of the genre and adds logical embellishments. When the vampires are stabbed in the heart they explode! And when they are in the sun, they don't effing sparkle, they die a horrible fiery death. I felt like this sunshine thing was really emphatic actually, and it's even there in the title. I also loved how Ethan Hawke's character's name was Edward. HA. He was way hotter than that other Edward, partly because he genuinely loved humans, but mostly because he wasnt an asshole. I adored this movie. It had everything I could want: proper character development, beautiful cinematography, the right amount of blood and gore, exploding vampires and pure, simple awesomeness.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was a really terrible review of the film, but I'm just so excited about it now. I definitely plan on writing a proper paper about it sometime in the near future.

After the movie I came back home, changed, my mom came and picked me up and we went to my cousin's wedding reception. It was lovely, and the family was wonderful, truly the opposite of what I expected. I got to see cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandparents, and they were all just lovely. (Honestly I'm glad there was no booze at the reception, otherwise it might have been a whole different story). It gave me hope for my own possible wedding someday. They rented this greenhouse park thing with plants everywhere, little stone paths and tables tucked away in corners. Very simple, little decorating required, and interesting enough to keep guests from leaving early. That was a good idea. I'm so happy my little cousin got married, and I loved seeing her family. They really all love each other and they are really wonderful people, and it makes me appreciate my own family as well as my extended family. I'm proud of them, who they are and what they've accomplished.

I took the bus back home from Sandy, which took an excrutiating hour to get to Provo, but it was a good time to think about stuff, about family and love and who I am, where I came came from and where I want to be. Now I'm exhausted and excited for bed and for the long weekend.

health

Every year I get into a holiday slump where I stop caring about anything but getting my presents ready. This last year was particularly bad because I was staying up way too late, sleeping in way too late just to get enough hours to make me get up and mope around the house for a little bit before I started watching movies until the wee hours of the morning. I stopped doing anything good for my health. I didn't exercise or eat properly. In fact, I ate very poorly and quite a lot.

Well, I like the New Year, mostly because that means the holidays are over and I'm forced to get
back to my real life. Everything changes, and my body is really feeling the effects of overindulging for the last two months. I've gained weight and am now back to where I was in high school before I came to college and lost it all by just walking around and eating better. That's a low for me because I hoped I would never be at that weight again. I have a bad knee that has just gotten worse, so exercising is hard for me, but I'm sure it will get better if I lose some weight. And I'm just not feeling good.

So, things are new now in this new year. I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting up early, and I love it. I feel so good when I get up around 7, after I rub the sleepiness out of my eyes I feel clear headed and wide awake. So, this has changed. As far as everything else I know what I need to do be healthier. I just have to exercise every day and eat more moderately. I have to push myself a little bit since it has got this bad, but I can do it. It's important to me to feel better, to feel healthy again.

Today I have to finish revising my writing samples for my PhD program applications that are due on Friday, then I have a meeting at 3:00. So, at 4:00 when I'm done with everything I'm going to go to the gym. That's a good start, and I'm excited.

teevee

My life got busy this last week, which was a welcome change, but I'm already starting to get a little tired from the new schedule, and I'm already behind in my school work. I'm not sure how I managed it, but on top of starting a new class and a new TAing job, and working on my grad school applications, I also watched a season and a half of a new show. I can't feel too guilty for it, because it really helped me get through a huge project that I've been working on and need to finish by this week. The downside is that I kind of became slightly obsessed with this show. I watched 5 hours of it on Thursday, 4 hours on Friday and 3 on Saturday. Then throughout the week I went over to a friend's and watched hours of old Buffy episodes and a few movies. I also managed to watch some old Doctor Who episodes in addition to the new one that aired last weekend.

So, my life pretty much revolves around television. Last night at a friend's house we were thinking of something to do after we watched a movie and my suggestions were to watch more movies or go get some food, and then realized that all I ever do is consume. I consume media and food. However, right now I'm not yet at the point to put a stop to it all. I love my shows and movies, and I'm sure that if I were in a world with fewer visual narratives I'd be addicted to novels, to the characters and their lives and their stories. And seriously, how different is a Jane Austen novel from a British teen drama? I watched Persuasion last night and I can tell you, not much.

I will hold back a little. Life isn't just about stories, although since my intended career is to research and write about stories, I guess my life kind of is. Nevertheless, I can't neglect doing my reading for class just because I want to watch my stories. ha. I have to learn to buckle down and do the work if I want to be able to talk about this stuff intelligently.

My little sister sent me an email today, and I loved it. I'm going to share its contents here :

You're not online, and I have things to say at you. I'm watching the first episode of Kingdom at the moment and it's like a lovely warm blanket of Stephen Fry and the English countryside.

Also, last night I watched Dead Alive. That was too awesome. I loved the end with the lawnmower!

I also just watched The Meaning of Life with the commentary with both of the Terrys and it seems like they also think The Crimson Permanent Assurance is boring. Apparently Gilliam just wanted to make a short film and he was off in another studio while Terry Jones was shooting the funny parts of the movie. I don't think any of the Pythons do commentaries in the same room. It's weird to hear their separate commentaries spliced together. I like it when people have conversations in commentaries, you know?

I miss you! Have a lovely Sunday.

Maybe to everyone else it's not so great, but to me it's wonderful. She emailed me specifically to talk about teevee and movies. I love her so much.

the past.

So last year I started this blogger blog at the end of January, but I continued to use my livejournal blog for a few months in addition to this. I was reading through those January livejournal posts and really enjoyed how detailed I would write about things that were happening in my life. In this blog I feel like it's more public so I've been holding back and only posting the things that I find to be the most relevant, and since I stopped using livejournal, which I used to write in almost every day, I don't really have a very good account of my life. So, I'm going to say screw it and just write what I feel like writing in this blog. No one has to read it, and at least I'll find it interesting in a few years from now.

I think it would be interesting to repost some things I wrote a year ago, to help see where I'm at now.

January 1, 2009

I'm having a harder time being as enthusiastic about this year as I was about last year, but at the same time I feel like there is more potential for this year to be pretty big.

I see myself as being largely self destructive and it makes me sad. There's so much I can do, but I don't do it. I don't know why I just don't do things. I sit and watch my opportunities pass. I really do thik the accident has affected me and made me a little meloncholic. I shut down a little bit when I was convelescing. I just watched videos on the internet all day long. I stopped thinking about improving myself. I stopped caring about

what I look like (meaning taking care of myself) because it became so much effort just to take care of my wounds, which I still have to deal with two and a half months later.
...
I need to stay positive. I need to focus on tasks. I feel like I worry so much about using my time wisely that I don't actually use it because i'm thinking about all the other things I need to do. But if i take the time and set it aside and use it for that one thing then I can make sure I'm focusing and accomplishing something.

I think I'll eat some lunch now and clear out all the trash in my room. The next post I make will be about all my accomplishments.

Januray 2, 2009

I woke up today feeling much better than when i went to sleep. I cleaned my room last night and it felt good to wake up to a cleared, vacuumed floor. I read a couple of Conference talks and said my morning prayers and got ready for my day. I was going to take my car into the shop today and then run some errands on campus, but the mechanic never answered the phone so I'm going to assume he took a four day weekend and closed today. Since I have to go up to campus anyway on Monday I figured I would just go to work today and get some good hours in. My plans ended up changing dramatically in short period of time, which usually bothers me quite a lot, but I won't let it today. I can get all these things done on Monday. I need to go to my department office and fill out a change of grade form, add my thesis hours and find out if i have to have my philosophy class approved. Then I need to buy books, get my bus pass and fax some important forms to my insurance so they will pay off all my medical bills from the accident.

I've realized that I need to take things one at a time. I get overwhelmed really easily and shut down. I also feel like i get so caught up in doing and not doing the things that i have to do that I don't regularly enjoy myself. Empty entertainment. I used to get little thrills throughout the day. things I found to be terribly amusing and hilarious and wonderful, but that hasn't happened in a while. It can happen. I can choose for it to happen. I can be happy and joyous.

January 4, 2009

I am ending my three week break and I am so excited for school and something to do. A lot will be happening this next semester. I have to work 20 hours, I'm TAing 10 hours a week, I am taking two classes and I have to do some significant work on my thesis. I'm presenting a paper in April at the Popular Culture Association Conference, which is fortunately already written, but I'll have to revise it. I need to plan. However, not only do I have a difficult time keeping to a plan, I actually tend to go completely against it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can I not stick to a plan?? It makes me not want to plan anything because I know the opposite will end up happening.

January 5, 2009

I had a pretty simple plan for today. Go to school, run some errands on campus, catch the bus and work for 6 hours or so. But as all my plans do, this one fell apart. It turns out that the best time for my professor to meet with me and the other TA is at 2:00 on Mondays. So I decided to stay on campus until then. I can still work this evening, but because I have to take the bus I won't get there until 4ish. Should I bother? I'll have to walk a mile after I get off the bus, and then a mile back, in the dark, when I go home. I can't work on Wednesday because I'm going to the doctor and takes up my whole day. Ok, it looks like I really just need to get the car fixed because the whole bus thing is not going to work when the only time I have to go to my job is in the evenings. The question I need to ask myself is this: Is it worth it to take the bus when it will take me 45 minutes to get to work if I am only working 4 or 5 hours? Let's say I get on the bus at 3:08. I will get to the mall at 3:20 and work at 3:35 at the earliest. Then I'll have to catch the bus at the mall at 8:35 so I leave work at 8. That's not even 4 and a half hours. gah. i cant decide if i'm ambitious enough to do it.

I remember how down I was at the end of 2008 and how I decided that I would work really hard in 2009 to make my life better. I really did it, too. I put in so much effort and by the time February came around I felt healthy and happy. Things slid a little bit after that, and now I feel like it's time to try again. I liked my life in February. I liked how busy I stayed, how hard I worked in school, how happy I felt, and I'm glad that I came to my senses in January and decided to change my life.

Does the sun make noise?

I just got back from my Christmas vacation and I am exhausted. I had loads of fun with family and friends in the last two weeks, but it's kind of nice now to just sit at my computer in the quiet house, catch up on blogs and emails and reflect on the last couple of weeks, and also on the last year.

The holiday was great. It was a little different from the last few years because we didn't go to my mom's house like we usually do. Instead we went to my sisters' apartment and had our Christmas there. This was nice because we were able to stay in the city, which meant Christmas Eve shopping and a nice Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant. One of my favorite parts of the week was an impromptu Christmas party at my house. A few friends were still in town and wouldn't have their traditional Christmas days with their family, so we decided to have a dinner and watch a movie before I headed up to my sister's. It turned into a feast and lasted most of the night. It also took me most of the day to prepare, but it was worth it. I got to see friends I hadn't spent much time with this last semester, and we all had a really great time. The next day two of my closest friends took me to Salt Lake, we met up with my little sister and went shopping. I think they fell in love with her. Because she's awesome.

So I stayed in Salt Lake until a couple days after Christmas and then took off for Denver. I flew in to Denver on Tuesday. The flight was supposed to be a relatively low stress level one, since it's only an hour long and I was already in Salt Lake so I didn't have to find a ride to the airport from Provo. But, as these things tend to go, it ended up being extremely stressful. I set the alarm to go off at 6:45 so I would have plenty of time to shower, get ready, make sure I have all my things, and get to the airport with time to spare before the 9:45 departure. Instead I woke up at 8:15, did a double take at the clock, realized that my phone was dead (probably because the alarm had been going off for an hour), and staggered out of bed. I went in to my sister's room, who was getting dressed to take me to the airport, and asked "Is it really 8:15?" She told me to go get my stuff and get ready as quickly as possible, which was hard because I was so distressed from waking up late and totally groggy from just waking up. I did what I could, got all my stuff together, put on some pants and grabbed my things. I didn't get to shower and so felt like crap the rest of the morning, and I realized when I got to Denver that I grabbed the wrong toothbrush. The flight ended up being delayed because of the huge snow storm in Salt Lake, and we were on the runway for nearly two hours. It was hell.

I sat next to a woman on the plane who seemed to me a little tipsy, and I assumed she had been drinking. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve sat next to a drunk person on a plane. Her speach was slurred and she had the hardest time buckling her seatbelt. I eventually had to showe her how to do it. She was a little freaked out because it was only her second time flying, and during the flight she started eating all these little various colored pills. She told me how she had taken a bus from North Carolina to Washington state to visit her mother for Christmas and just out of Denver the bus got into an accident. She was midling injured and had a concussion. I wondered if this had anything to do with the pills she was eating, but didn't ask. Wishing to avoid another four day bus trip across the United States she decided to fly, and I guess she decided this last minute because in order for her to get to North Caroline she went from Washington to Salt Lake, Salt Lake to Denver, Denver to Atlanta and Atlanta to North Carolina. Not a fun trip for anyone. By the time we landed in Denver this poor woman was wasted. Every movement she made was extremely slow, and she pulled out her plane ticket and asked me if the flight number was where she was supposed to go. I told her no, and pointed to the gate number. Fortunately it was the gate right next to the one we landed at. When we got off the plane she was having a hard time standing up. She almost lost her balance a few times and I helped her get to her gate. I hope she made it back to North Carolina ok. She's really lucky her next gate was right there because I don't know if she would have made it across the Denver airport. I even had a hard time getting out. Fortunately I did and my friend was there to pick me up.

Brittany, bless her heart, had a sandwhich bag full of ham waiting for me. This is how I know she loves me. I hadn't eaten at all that day, hadn't showered, was wearing the same clothes I wore the day before and felt like crap. But the ham and the little clementines she gave me made me feel so much better. We went back to her house, cleaned up and then went to the Celestial Seasonings factory in Boulder to go on their factory tour. I got to sample all kinds of delicious tea, the tour was fun and I bought some tea to bring back with me. Afterwards we came back, chilled out and watched some movies.

On Wednesday we went to the Denver Art Museum which I absolutely loved. Their current contemporary art exhibit is a collection of installations on three floors of the museum. After teaching Humanities 101 twice and doing my best to stay up to date with contemporary art, I found myself enjoying the museum far more than I did the last time I went a few years ago. After the museum we came back to the house and watched six episodes of Bones all snuggled up on the couch.

Thursday was New Year's Eve and so we decided to stay out of the city and drive up into the mountains to the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park. This is the hotel that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining, and it is supposed to be haunted. After tagging along a tour group at the hotel for a few minutes we decided it would be worth it to actually pay and go on the hotel tour.

Now, I just have to say that one of my favorite things to do when I travel anywhere is to take some kind of tour of a local historical landmark. I'm nerdy that way, and I think that it makes the experience there far more meaningful than to just look and imagine what the history could be. In the last year or so I took a tour of the underground city in Seattle, a tenement in New York City, a villa in Florence and the French Quarter in New Orleans, and now I can add to my list the Stanley Hotel. This tour was especially fun because she talked about the history of the hotel as well as Stephen King's experience with it and the apparent hauntings that exist there. I don't think I'd ever be one to see an actual ghost, but I like the thought of little children ghosts playing in the halls of the hotel, and I liked the story of Stephen King hearing music playing in the dining hall and having nightmares of the fire hoses killing people. There is supposed to be a "vortex" on the west staircase, and I'd like to say that yes it was a little difficult to breathe when we stepped into it, and there was an eery energy on the top floor where the children of guests played with their nannies. At any rate, I loved to hear the stories and this history of the place, which was more of a pleasure palace than a hotel in its heyday.

We ate at a local diner and had a delicious meal before heading back to Brit's house to get ready for the big New Year's Eve party. The family invited about 35 people to participate in a competition of various games, eat lots of yummy food and count down to the new year. I was surprised at how well I did, but most of the games I won were against little kids or old men. I didn't win any prizes, but it was still a fun night. The next day we just relaxed. I knitted and watched the Twilight Zone marathon which was rather entertaining, and we played Beatles Trivial Pursuit. Today we got up early, headed out and got back into Provo by four.

And thus concludes my boring account of my holiday break. I'm happy for it, as boring as it may sound. It was a good way to start a new year: I got in some flying, some sight seeing and some road tripping. I got out of Provo and I got to see some new things and interact with some new people. I feel better. I feel better about myself and my life and this next year. A lot should happen in 2010, and I'm unsure about where I'll be at the end of it. I'm defending my thesis, graduating and hopefully will be starting a new graduate program in a different state. I have some goals and resolutions, mostly really basic things. I'd like to start going to bed at a reasonable hour, I don't want to drink caffeine anymore, and I intend to got to all three hours of church instead of skipping out after first like I have been doing. I basically just want my life to be in a little more order and to do things that make me feel good.

why I do what I do.

I just got done reading about 60 ten page term papers. It nearly killed me. Here are just a few of my favorite lines.

"The remnants of the buildings seem to resemble Roman architecture, the very culture that Americans had been emulating so effeminately"

"Labels and classifications are used where without culture and society every man would be living as he pleased content to him and not labeled by any besides that which he may reflect on interpersonally."

"He was involved in a lot of huge political things including the Declaration of Independence"

Ben Franklin "knew that if a person was in a wet t-shirt on a hot day they would stay cooler than being in just a dry t-shirt".

dance dance revolution

I used to really hate dance. Watching any kind of dance bored me. I couldn't understand the point of the arbitrary motions, which so often felt cheesy and ridiculous. When I taught Humanities 101 I knew that I would have to have a unit on dance, and I also knew that the fact that I hated dance so much would make it difficult. So I decided to try a little harder to appreciate dance, to learn from what I taught my students. It's been a slow process but I think I'm beginning to really love dance like I've never loved it before.

Tonight I went to BYU's Christmas Around the World, a folk dance show that they've been doing for the last 50 years. BYU has the biggest World Dance program in the world, and the dancers are extremely talented. I hate saying this, but I was moved to tears at the very first number, and it was not the first time this has happened. Since I've been trying harder to understand and appreciate dance, I'm finding that I can't help but cry when I watch a dance performance. The energy they create is palpable, and I'm so impressed with the talent that I just tear up. I hate even more saying this, but I cried when I watched the finale of Dancing With the Stars last week. I couldn't help it. Kelly Osborne was so beautiful and had worked so hard, and you could tell how happy she was with herself even though she didnt win. Her experience was life changing and it was really incredible to watch her dance. And Donny Osmond was so humble and wanted so much to have that trophy that he worked his hardest while still being incredibly supportive of the other competetors. It's true he's been a performer for some time, but to dance ballroom like that he had to force himself to change a lot of his habits, and he was incredibly graceful in doing so. I just loved watching these people have so much passion in their dances. I wept like a baby. And then tonight it happened again. I don't know what's happening to me.

One thing that I thought was particularly interesting during the Christmas performance tonight was the Irish dancers. I recognized one of the soloists and as I looked at my program, sure enough she was one of my former 101 students. AND, this is what I love the most, the program said that these soloists were champion level dancers. I had NO idea that this girl was a champion level Irish dancer. Even though she did mention that she danced and that dance was a huge part of her life, she said nothing about this fact every time I talked to her about dance. Such a funny girl.

After the performance we watched Strictly Ballroom, which I thought was pretty appropriate. I loved it so much more this time than I did the first time, and I almost teared up again when the couple was dancing the Passo Doble, one of my favorite dances.

So who would have guessed? It looks like I love dance. I love the energy and the passion. I love how light the dancers are on their feet and how watching them makes me feel lighter. I have been kind of depressed a little lately, distracted and stressed, and I realized today that I'm losing sight of the things that could lift me out of my funk. I decided to watch some documentaries on contemporary 21st century art, and I got that light feeling as I saw these artists create and as their art challenged me and made me feel alive. I'm focusing so much on all the things I have to do, all the research I should be doing, the books I should be reading and the movies I should be watching, that I'm forgetting to have aesthetic experiences with other forms of art. And this bothers me because as a Humanities teacher this is what I try to get my students to understand, that aesthetic experiences are necessary for a balanced and happy life, and here I am neglecting these things, the things that I love so much and that lift my soul. I'm glad I learned this lesson today, and I hope I can make a point to have more art in my life more often.

perpetual liminality

I'm at an inbetween time in my life right now that I don't particularly like. I don't want to feel like life will be good once [fill in the blank] happens, and that I will finally be happy on that day. I want to avoid that perpetual state of liminality, where one is always becoming something, always stuck in an inbetween stage, and never getting to where one wants to be. I want to be who I am now and find satisfaction in myself and what I do today. It's a nice idea, but hard to implement. Right now I am applying to go to graduate school in the Fall. So I feel as if my life will begin in 10 months from now, provided that I am actually accepted into a program. And what I do from here until then is survive. I'm not making enough money to do anything I'd like to do, such as travel, but I can't get another job right now because I have plenty to do with my applications, with planning for the conference I'm attending in the spring and with finishing up my thesis. I also should be trying to get myself published, and so there is more than enough to do and finding another job right this moment would be distracting. So I'll push through until spring and hopefully will know if I have a spot in a PhD program or not, and then I can continue on with my life.

I spoke with some professors this week about writing me letters of recommendation, I worked on my personal statement and I'm feeling optimistic. I'm applying to six schools, so I hope one will accept me, and I hope I'll be cut out for more graduate school. This is something I always wanted to do and realized in the last year that it's something I can do. I just wish I could do it already and not have to jump through these hoops.

oh well!

It's so late and I am so tired that I cannot fall asleep.  Today was a little crazy and my brain is still hurting.  I took the GRE and got a full 10 points more than I did three years ago.  You would think after attending graduate school and learning copious amounts of information and new vocabulary words for three years that I would make a vast improvement.   But no; it was instead almost the exact same score.  So what is this test measuring anyway? I think it must only measure how well I take tests, which apparently is not well at all. 

I'm starting to think more seriously about beauty school.  I come from a long line of beauticians.  Both my grandmothers were hairdressers.  And my great grandmother and all of one of my grandma's sisters.  I have an eye for makeup and hair and I love doing it, so why not? Well...it may end up being my only option if academe decides it doesn't want me.  I've got to find some way to pay off all these student loans.  It may also be a life with less pressures than academia, and I can continue learning on my own.  As I said in my last post, maybe now I have to realize that life really is about survival, but I think there is something noble in that.  Surviving and helping others survive, easing their suffering and building them up, is pretty important.  I thought writing and teaching people about art and beauty was what I was meant to do to help make the world a better place, but who knows, maybe there's another way for me.

So, even though this week I've had some set backs, I'm not going to let them keep me down.  The universe has a way of setting things right and I'll find my place somewhere in it.