an imitation from New York, you're made in Japan from cheese and chalk

I've been sick since Tuesday night after I went out into the rain to see the movie Exit Through the Gift Shop which was thoroughly enjoyable, fun to watch, thought provoking and kind of awesome. I couldn't help feel like someone was messing with me, which really only made me enjoy it more. I don't feel like giving a plot summary or review, but there are plenty out there to read. I like how the NY Times calls it "a film that looks like a documentary but feels like a monumental con."

So while the beginning of the week was fun, the middle was a little annoying since I wanted to try to get better quickly so that I could resume my rock 'n' roll lifestyle in the Big Apple. So I stayed home, sniffly and miserable. On Thursday I went to the Whitney Biennial, an exhibition they do every other year of up and coming artists. I thought a couple hours there would not be too taxing on my virus infested body, but I didn't realize that my brain had ceased functioning until I found myself lost in Central Park. I had been meaning to simply walk across, to get from West 72nd street (on 8th Ave) to East 72 street (on 5th Ave), and I was little alarmed when I exited the Park at 59th Street and 6th Ave. If you don't feel like trying to picture the geography of this mistake, I made a map to give you an idea:

The black line is my intended route and the red marks my actual trek through the Park.

So I effectively walked a mile out of my way, which is no big deal, but because I was sick and it was a really hot day I thought that I was going to die by the time I made it to the museum. Plus I was also disturbed by the fact that I thought I was walking in one direction the whole way and I was so totally off track and I didn't know until I came out of the park.

As fun as that all was, and the Biennial was actually pretty great, Saturday was my really interesting day of the week. I was scheduled, or thought I was, to work at Coney Island at noon, so I decided to leave a little early and go to the temple to do some work. I had a very lovely experience there, and because I had been trying to write the talk that I gave in church today, I felt that my mind was in the right place to allow myself the kind of spiritual learning that can occur there. I left feeling very good and not concerned at all that I might be late to my job. I'm glad I didn't worry because when I got there my boss was surprised. "You're not on the schedule," she told me. Now, the fact that I was only scheduled to work twice in the whole month made me feel pretty sure that I was on the schedule, but I guess not on hers. I'm a little annoyed since her boss scheduled me and called her (while I was in the room) when she was out of town and told her when I was supposed to work. I told her not to worry about it and that I would go home and not come back, but that if she needed extra help in the next couple of weeks she could call me. I really just wanted to get out of there, especially because I was sick and had other plans for my Saturday. So I left and it took me an hour and a half to get home. I left for Coney Island at 10:30 and was back in my apartment by 2:30. It was a fantastic waste of time, and on the way back I sat next to a little old asian man on the train who proceeded to clip his very very long fingernails and leave the clippings on the floor. Lovely.

When I got home I rested and finished writing my talk and then I went to the LCD Soundsystem show, which I was very excited about. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. The only thing that bugged me was the crowd, especially the people near me, who refused to dance. One girl was positively frowning. It totally killed my concert buzz. Here is a video of the last song from the show that I went to, and if you look closely you can see me!! (I'm in the lower left hand side right in front of the two bongo-like drums)



I seriously had so much fun. I was exhausted by the time I got home but it felt good to dance and let myself go a little.

Well, that's it for now, but I have more to write about this week which has been far more enjoyable.

week three

I'm at the end of week three of my time here in New York, and so far this has been my favorite week. I came out here because I felt like it was the right thing to do, and I was terribly disappointed when things seemed to not go as well as I'd hoped. I was feeling lonely, homesick and constantly jerked around by the city and the people in it. But, in my time alone my thoughts have gathered in little puddles. Maybe that's not the right metaphor. It reminds me of those little bacteria I had heard about that when they run out of food they congregate into a solid mass, millions upon millions of them, building on one another until they look like a small plant. I'm not sure why they do this actually, and maybe this whole description has been totally unnecessary, but my point is that my thoughts seem to be doing something similar, seemingly random but building into lessons and insights.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my realizations, despite the fact that they are probably quite cheesy and it's very late and I'd like to go to sleep but my roommate is in the shower and will probably be there for the next hour at least.

First, I undervalue myself. I think most of us do, and I'm beginning to see that this undervaluing, which we tell ourselves is modesty, is bullshit. I may not have had lots of conventional experiences in the work force of the world, but I have had done a lot of a great things that I simply don't give myself credit for. I have to build on those things and those experiences.

Second, I cannot find happiness in a place, or rather because of a place. When I was in Provo I fantasized about being in New York, and when I got here I fantasized about being back in Utah, and when I go back I know I'll think about being here. I've got to learn to be happy where I'm at, whether it is in Harlem or Provo or Louisville. I have to find things that bring me joy in that place, but not because of the place itself, but because of how I am looking at that place. Today it was people's dogs. Oh I love the dogs in New York. They're like tiny happy little people, and they bring their owners such joy. I saw one little guy trotting along with his owner and her baby with such a bounce in his little step, and every five paces or so he would look up lovingly at his owner. Then I saw a little old lady walking with her walker and her little shiatsu whose long hair was brushed out perfectly, but she was very fat and moved slowly and I could tell she was old as well. "She's so adorable," I said, unable to help myself. "She's my baby," said the old lady, "Or I guess she's my old lady." I think I'll have to dedicate a whole post to the dogs I see around here. They amuse me so.

Lesson three: last night I started my job at an installation at the Armory on Park Avenue (which I will also have to wrote a whole post about soon) and part of my job is to talk to strangers about the piece. Me? Talk to strangers? If you know me, and have known me for a long time, you know me to be shy, to run away from strangers, to avoid talking at all costs, but deep inside I'm not really like that, and for the last couple of weeks I have been aching to talk to strangers, to all the hundreds of interesting people I see every day on the bus and the street and the subway. So this job is my chance to do so. And I realized last night that if I didn't talk to people I would have to stand there bored, and I would rather do anything than just stand around bored, so I pushed myself and I talked to as many people as I could, and we stood there, close together, and analyzed the piece, and I answered questions and I was in heaven. It was like teaching again. I loved it, and I realized this morning that I have to be just as deliberate in living my life. It's either push myself and get out of my comfort area and do something interesting or be bored and stand around and never get anywhere. I can't be afraid of people, I can't shy away from helping someone or from talking to a stranger when the opportunity comes up. And so when I left the apartment today and walked down the street in Harlem it felt like I was in a different place, and I felt good and comfortable and ready to go and talk to people and do so without being afraid but also without being naive, because I'm not going to undervalue myself anymore, and I know that I am a smart and capable human being.

So my whole point is, the last few weeks have been difficult, just as I knew they were going to be, but I can't believe how quickly I am learning lessons that will hopefully change the way I live my life. As I said before, these are all just random thoughts coming together and forming something bigger and more tangible, and they may continue to grow and change. I just hope I actually use them. I'm going to Coney Island tomorrow to work, where I had had a bad experience a couple weeks ago, and I hope things will go better with my new epiphanies in tow. We shall see.

New York I love you but you're bringing me down

I was talking to a lady today who is serving an LDS mission with her husband here in New York. I asked her what she thought of the city and she said that she has a love/hate relationship with it. I instantly knew what she was talking about. Now, I have only been here for a week so everything might change by the time I leave, but if today is any indication then the relationship I have with New York is definitely love/hate, and I think this is perfectly fine. To be honest I was surprised that I didn't love every second of being here right from the start, but really, why should I? It's a strange and new experience for me, and the city is also quite dirty (even in the nicest areas), crowded, noisy and it has been either freezing or incredibly hot for the last week, there are weird looking people walking around, you are constantly surrounded by people you never have any reason to talk to, and it often smells of urine. So, with all of these things to hate, why do so many people continue to live here, to raise their families here, to grow old here? I'm pretty sure I just don't understand this place yet. I'm trying though, and maybe some day I'll figure it out.

I spent most of my day in Central Park, walking around, looking at people, knitting, you know, the things you do in Central Park. I love Central Park, and I have always loved it, before I even went there. In fact, I wrote a paper on it for my Environmental Humanities class a couple years ago and had plans to expand it into my thesis, but as many of you know, I switched to zombies because I realized that writing a 100 page thesis about a park would end up being extremely boring. I think I made the right decision, but I still have plans to expand that paper. It's about the poetics of park design, but I wanted to also talk about urban nature in general. The interesting thing about Central Park is that it resembles nature, but in a contrived way that is supposed to induce recreation and transcendence. It's like looking at a landscape painting where nature is improved upon. Landscapes and parks do not show its scary side, but instead are meant to be morally, and in the case of parks physically, theraputic. After the morning I had feeling like I absolutely hated this city I went into the park and wandered around the "ramble", the woodsy area behind one of the lakes with trails. Of course I know the history of the park well and I know that all of those trails were very carefully designed, but I totally fell for it. I felt like I was out in the woods, not in the middle of huge dirty city. I calmed down, breathed deeply and relaxed. I totally fell for what Frederick Law Olmstead had planned. I felt like I was far away from the dirt and noise of a crazy city. I watched the birds and the squirrels and I decided that I would forgive New York this time. After another hour in the park I decided that I loved New York again. I left the ramble, but later went back in to eat my lunch and knit.



I spent 6 hours in the park today, knitting and taking pictures and enjoying the warm sunshine and the clear blue skies. I climbed up the Belvedere Castle and looked out over the park. I got lost a few times, turned around because I couldnt see any buildings and didn't know which way from Sunday. But even that was nice because I found places I hadn't known existed. I bought a frozen custard at the Boathouse cafe which was way overpriced but entirely delicious, and a few times I was genuinely entertained by the people walking their dogs and their children, and at one point a little old French lady complimented my knitting.



The last week has been filled with anxiety, but today I am happy. I'm glad Central Park and I were able to get to know each other a little better, and I hope we can be real friends now. I can't wait to start working on that paper again.

nyc day 3

The last two days have been mostly spent freaking out. I kept thinking, "what the hell am I doing here? Why do I think I can do this? I don't belong here and I'm being incredibly irresponsible." Today, however, was really lovely and I realized why I belong here. I am so comfortable in the city. I love all the people everywhere, all different kinds of people from all different kinds of backgrounds. I love the smells and the lights and the energy. I love how each neighborhood has a totally different personality.

I was freaking out because I don't have a strong reason to be here. I don't have a real job, just a little part time job that won't even pay for my food. So I decided that I would apply for internships and other jobs in the city. I decided that I need to interact with all these people that I see, that talking and smiling and helping them is something that I desperately want to do. So the plan tomorrow is to send out at least 3 resumes and cover letters to galleries, museums and other places needing interns or part timers. I decided that I would definitely come home at the end of summer, but that's not how I role. I live my life playing by ear, seeing what will come up. I don't make plans because plans never work out. Something else always comes up. Basically, I'm going to keep my options open.

So far it's been a busy few days. On Tuesday Jendar and I did a little shopping and went to Institute where a Muslim speaker (who is a civil rights activist for the Muslim community in Manhattan) presented a basic history/overview of Islam. It was incredibly interesting. I had a basic knowledge already but I liked hearing the passionate and tender way he spoke about his beliefs. Yesterday Jendar and I went to the Museum of Modern Art to see a performance artist, Marina Abramovic and her retrospective exhibit. This is the first retrospective of a performance artist in the history of the museum. Her stuff was very interesting, disturbing and engaging. She liked to push her body to its limits, and I loved the physicality of her work. Afterwards we shopped a little more and then went out to dinner for Jendar's birthday to this little vegetarian Chinese place in Hell's Kitchen. It ended up being pretty tasty and I had my first celebrity sighting, James Cromwell who is very tall and scary in real life. After dinner we got some frozen yogurt and then headed home where I proceeded to get lost and wandered around Harlem by myself at 11:00 pm. It was a little scary and at least now I know which direction I should go when I get off the train.

Today I met up with an old friend who lives in the area and we went and ate a famous soul food restaurant in Harlem called Sylvia's. Man was it tasty food. I got the golden fried pork chops and they were just perfect. Then my friend and I decided to walk over to Columbia University and down through the Upper West Side and in to Central Park. I checked on google maps after and figured out that we had walked almost 6 miles. And I only got to see a tiny corner of the city! It was really nice and I only have a little blister from it all. I got to see Tom's Restaurant (the one on Seinfeld and featured in that great song "Tom's Diner" which song I had in my head for the rest of the day). On the way to Central Park I passed a community garden and I was able to go in and talk to a couple of the gardners in there. It was a really adorable little place.

Central Park was lovely. We walked across to 5th Ave and then walked up and crossed through Harlem on St. Nicholas back to my house. I was going to write my thesis on Central Park and so it is always special to go in and see how calm and peaceful it is inside. After all the walking we did I rested for a few hours and then went back out to Lincoln Square to go to the temple. It was a really lovely session and I loved the spirit that was there in such a tiny little space. The whole experience was really special and I plan to go back as often as possible. After the temple Jendar and I went to a pizza place downtown called Artichoke and got a thick crust artichoke pizza slice that was huge and delicious. Definitely worth what seemed like 20 blocks that we walked to get there. On the way back we got a slirpy at the 7/11 and while filling my cup up my skirt fell down. I have no idea how or why, but there it went around my ankles. I quickly pulled it up and no one acted like they saw anything, but it was still weird and embarrassing. I guess i'd better take that skirt in a little before I wear it again.

So then we hopped on the train, and I got off at the right stop and walked in the right direction and got home fairly quickly. I live next to a bakery and I was considering rumaging through their trash, but I might just go in one night and ask if I can take anything they plan on throwing out.

I'm still on Utah time, so I've been staying up late every night and "sleeping in" until 9:30 or so when my body tells me it's 7:30 and time to get up. I kind of like this system since all the fun stuff happens at night. I'll try to keep it until I get an internship and have to be up and about early again.

Spring playlist

So my friend Jendar recently blogged about her spring playlist and it got me to thinking about the things I have been listening to this spring. My ipod broke a few weeks ago and I got an ipod shuffle as a temporary replacement. I figured I would just have to deal with the fact that I can't have the option of listening to my entire music library at any time. I don't like it all the time, but I have been really satisfied with the 150 songs that are on there now, and I think they make up a pretty good spring playlist. So here's a sampling of what I've been listening to the last few weeks since the trees started turning green again.

The Talking Heads- "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)
One of my favorites of all time. I will never get sick of this song.



Cat Power- "Empty Shell"
I have been meaning to listen to this album for years, and just barely managed to get it. I wish I had listened to it years ago because I love it.



Lykke Li- "Little Bit"
I have a thing for Swedish singers, and I downloaded hundreds of different songs a few years ago. She was in the mix, but I just barely got the whole album. I think she's adorable.



Okkervil River- "Lost Coastlines"
I've been listening to a LOT of Okkervil River lately. They're one of my favorie bands and I'm going to see them this summer in New York. I didn't love their last album, but the more I listen to it the more I'm appreciating it. This song features Jonathan Meiburg from Shearwater, the side project he and Will Sheff (from Okkervil River) started about 10 years ago. I love Meiburg's voice. It's like chocolate.



Peter Schilling- "Major Tom"
This is the funnest song and I can't get over how much I love it. I've made it my ringtone. I'm putting both the German and English videos up for your listening and viewing fernugen.





Camera Obscura- "Lloyd I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken"
Another long time favorite I can't get enough of.



Nouvelle Vague- "This Is Not a Love Song"
This is a cover of the PIL song, which I hadn't heard until the other day. I like this version better, but it's interesting to juxtapose the two, so I will.





Annie- "My Love is Better"
I just love Annie. She's so much fun.



Peaches- "Mommy Complex"
Thanks to Brock. She reminds me of Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy.

where's Buffy?

I was at my mom's house today and we couldn't find the cat. We were worried she slipped outside and wandered away, which wouldn't be such a big deal but there's a fox in the area that likes to eat cats. We searched everywhere. She must have a hiding place somewhere in the house because she often disappears like that and she hasn't been eaten by a fox yet. Anyway, we finally did find her hiding spot, and I have to say it is a pretty clever little spot.

She's in this closet somewhere. Can you guess where?

There she is! In that green bucket thing underneath all the coats. Sneaky little bugger.

i just came here to say i'm going away

I'm moving to New York in a week. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. A month ago I was going to move to Salt Lake. Two weeks ago I was going to stay in Provo because it would be easier and cheaper and now I'm moving to New York to have a summer job working at Coney Island. I have a place to live, I bought my plane ticket, and it seems like this and perhaps another job will work out for me. But really, I'm not going to be making much money and will probably spend a lot more than I make. I'm leaving my home, my family, my friends. Why? To get out of Provo I guess, even though summer in Provo is wonderful and I love it. I love going to the farmer's market and swimming at Mona, and I had goals of working hard at the local community garden and maybe finding a boyfriend. And now I'm moving my whole life across the country so I can work part time at a museum shop in Coney Island?

Yep. That's what I'm doing. And I can't wait. It's really time for me to make this change. I get antsy staying in one place for very long, and I've been fantasizing leaving Provo for years. One of my closest friends lives out there and I'll make new friends and have a wonderful time getting to know a really great city. I feel good about it, and a lot of prayers have been answered to get me to this point, so I'm just going to take a leap of faith and see how it works out. I'm mostly sad to be leaving the people I love, people that I just barely started to be friends with, people I've been friends with for as long as I've been at BYU. But sometimes you just have to go away for a little while, and this is one of those times.

5 reasons why today was a great day

1. I took five bags of old clothes to D.I.
2. I got three really great hugs all within the same half hour.
3. I sold my first item on etsy!
4. I got a bound copy of my thesis in the mail.
5. It was a beautiful, warm and semi productive day.

hair story

I'm a little obsessed with my hair, so I thought I'd try to get all my thoughts and feelings about it out of my system and throw it out into the void of the internet.

For the last several months I've been thoroughly dissatisfied with my hair, which may or may not have had negative effects on my overall sense of well being. Right now it's on the longer side, about shoulder length and curly. I've usually kept it short because when it gets long it weighs down the curls, and I really have no idea what to do with it. At any rate, for the last few months whatever shampoo and conditioner I was using was just crap. It seemed like it took all the curl out of my head. Before I had been using horse shampoo for about a year, and it was pretty good. My hair was usually shiny and bouncy. I switched however, which was just a huge mistake.

So I've been thinking lately about how to remedy my bad hair days for good. A couple of summers ago, before I switched to horse shampoo, I stopped shampooing my head altogether, with mixed results. I used baking soda to wash it followed by a vinegar rinse. After a while it looked good, but with it being summer and me being all sweaty it still seemed a bit flat. Also, I smelled like vinegar, especially when I sweat, which was all the time.

I wanted to try it out again, but I didn't want to smell like vinegar. While in the back of my mind for the last couple of weeks, I was still avoiding the whole vinegar thing when suddenly I realized the other day that I was probably just using too much vinegar. I never measured the amount, just poured a little in a cup and added water. So this time I was very precise and put 1 tablespoon of vinegar for 1 cup of water and put it in an old shampoo bottle. I did the same with the baking soda, since I also think I was using too much and it was drying out my scalp. 1 tablespoon for 1 cup of water. It's not that much, really. I also added a drop of lavender essential oil to the vinegar solution to add a nice smell to my hair.

I used it the other day and when I got out of the shower I instantly noticed a difference. My hair was so shiny! And it already felt light and bouncy. I left it alone, let it dry without adding any product (it dried very quickly I noticed) and voila! All day long I had big bouncy curls that kept their shape, and I didn't smell like vinegar at all. I've been doing it for the last week and getting the same result every day. Some people's hair has to get used to this sort of switch, but I think mine was craving it. So now, no shampoo, no conditioner, no product at all, and I think I have perfect hair. I may not even cut it any time soon (the only thing I knew to do to keep it curly). It's pretty awesome, even it if makes for a really boring story.

good news and bad news and good news

I desperately hate the dentist. Eight years ago I went and the dentist had no patience for me after four shots and said he wouldn't give me another and that I needed to suck it up. I still hate that man. And so it was eight years before I would return to the dentist, which I did a couple of months ago and I have been back 4 times. I had 6 very deep cavities (my fault for not getting them taken care of years ago) and a cracked tooth which required a crown and may require a root canal (not my fault for not going to the dentist since it was in a tooth that already had a filling and was almost undetectable). The cavities are taken care of, and now I have to go back a couple more times for the problem tooth.

Unlike my last dentist this dentist is extremely nice and sweet, and I feel like he genuinely is bothered by the idea of causing anyone pain. Although I never want to go back to the dentist ever again, at least this experience has not be as unpleasant as the last. Oh, I also found out that Dr. Sweetypie is married and has three little babies, which only makes him more adorable in my opinion.

Today while at the dentist I missed a phone call from the University of Louisville, the school where I had applied and never heard back from. I called them back, mouth numb and all, and talked to the graduate program director. She told me that I was accepted into the program and that the letter they had sent me was sent back because of a wrong address. We figured out that I had put my "permanent" address down as my mom's street address, who doesn't have a mail box. I am used to putting this address as permanent on loan applications and such where they don't want a P.O. Box. I hadn't thought about that, and so the letter was sent there and then back to the school. Because of this delay I missed the deadline to apply for the teaching assistantship which would pay for tuition and give me a livable stipend. And so, she wanted to know if I would still consider going to the school this year, but told me that if I wanted to I could defer enrollment until next year and apply for the assistantship. Out of state graduate tuition is $9000 a semester. I think I'll defer.

So, if I defer, which will likely be the case, I will have a year off. What should I do in that year? I'm thinking I'll find new and interesting ways to make and spend money. That's a good plan, yeah? I think I'll start by moving to New York.

abject

I love horror films, and I love talking about and writing about horror films. You would think this would desensitize me a little bit so that when faced with mildly gross or distasteful things in real life, I wouldn't be bothered as much. In fact, the opposite is true. I think it has sensitized me. I know the stuff on screen is fake, which makes stuff in real life that much more real and intense for me. I saw a dead duck today on the way to campus. Someone had tried to cover it up with a piece of cardboard, but with its little head peeking out, the cardboard only made it that much more abject. I don't like seeing dead animals like that. Then a block later I crossed the street and there was blood on the road. Blood. It must have been real blood. Probably from an animal getting run over. It made me sick. I almost couldn't go to campus. Now, this is ridiculous. That dead duck was not the first time I've seen a dead duck. I grew up on a ranch where we killed ducks (and chickens and geese and turkeys) all the time. I've seen blood; I've participated in slaughtering animals. So why was what I saw today so abject? Probably because it's out of a context of the farm. It's a dead duck and blood on the street in the city where I live. Definitely not expected. About an hour later some girls came to class late saying they had seen a girl get hit by a car, right where I saw the blood apparently. Freaky.

sing me Happy Birthday

This is going to sound awful and pessimistic, but I'm going to say it. I am not a fan of birthdays and holidays. While holidays are not always so bad because it forces us to spend time with our loved ones, I really hate birthdays. It's like I have 2 designated days of the year to remember what a crappy day it was: my birthday and Christmas. Yesterday, as some may know, was my birthday. It was just another day. I felt sick in the morning, had a terrible headache, went to a couple of panels at the conference, went to lunch and dinner. As far as days go it was mediocre at best, definitely not as great as Thursday and Friday were, but because it was designated my birthday it suddenly went from an ok day to kind of a crappy day that I would rather have not called my birthday.

Another thing I hate about birthdays is this weird attitude that we have about them. It's YOUR day and you are supposed to be selfish (you pick what you want to do for dinner, you pick the cake you want to eat, and some people ask you to pick the present you want), but at the same time, if you are selfish at all people will think you are a total brat. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I have a birthday, like people are obligated to say happy birthday and they are annoyed with me when I don't tell me every little thing I want. I don't want the day to be my day. I don't want to say "It's my birthday and I want to do this." I don't want the day to arbitrarily be a "special day" because I happened to have been born on the date so many years ago. I want the day to be special because people go out of their way and make it a special day, without me asking or demanding or even being aware of their plans to make it special. Maybe this is the most selfish way to want a birthday, but I don't want it to be MY day, I want it to be YOUR day to make me feel special, if you think I am special and want to bother. If you don't it's fine.

And so I'm going to put this out there to the world. Please don't ever feel obligated to give me a present of any kind, not for Christmas or my birthday or anything. If something makes you think of me, then by all means, but you don't have to wait for some arbitrary date to give such a thing to me, I'd rather you try to make next Thursday a special day than my stupid birthday. We can celebrate the day of my birth any day of the year if you really want to celebrate it at all.

I do have to say that I had an excellent birthday dinner last night, thanks to my sister and our friend. We went to a tapas place and spent a LOT of money trying all the different little entrees. We had duck, quail, tuna, gnocchi, risotto, beef tenderloin, a lobster salad, and two other things that I can't remember, and for dessert I had gelato with caramel and a basil cream. I loved the basil cream with the gelato, it was the most interesting flavor ever. Basil should be sweet, I've decided.

So, I'm still in St. Louis but I'm leaving today. The PCA Conference was great this year, even if I didn't get to do as much site seeing as I did in New Orleans, but it turns out there's just not that much to see. I spent most of my time geeking out with my fellow academic nerds about popular culture, which was just as fun as anything I can think of. I presented my paper on zombie origins, and was pretty proud of it. There weren't any zombie people there though because I had been stuck on the panel at the last minute and so they didn't know another zombie paper was given, which was really too bad. I was hoping to have a zombie discussion. It was fun nevertheless. I had worked on the paper the few days before and was really proud at how it turned out.

Anyway, I'll blog more about the conference later. I just needed to get my feelings about birthdays out of my system.

whither must I wander?

As I come up to a huge month of change and events I can't help but feel extremely anxious for my future. I defend my thesis this Thursday, I'll find out if I am accepted or rejected from 4 schools within the next two weeks, I'm going to a conference at the end of the month and I'll be celebrating another birthday. Then I graduate for the second time in 7 years. I don't know what is in store for me, where I'll be in the next six months, or in the next two months for that matter. It's easy to get all disparaging, to think about the missed opportunities, the time I may or may not have wasted in the last 4 years since I graduated the first time. It's easy to heap regrets on regrets, and for some reason that is all I can seem to do. When I ask myself the question, "Am I where I want to be? Have I done what I wanted to do? Am I on the path to where I want to go and who I want to become?" I don't even know what the answer is, but I have a sinking feeling that it's a big resounding no.

I don't like thinking this way, but the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind.

Appropriately I've been listening to this song a lot this week. It's a song based on a poem by Robert Louis Stephenson, and is on the Martha Wainwright album I'm in love with.

Home no more home to me, whither must I wander?
Hunger my driver, I go where I must.
Cold blows the winter wind over hill and heather:
Thick drives the rain and my roof is in the dust.
Loved of wise men was the shade of my roof-tree,
The true word of welcome was spoken in the door -
Dear days of old with the faces in the firelight,
Kind folks of old, you come again no more.

up where the clouds meet the snow

I used to blog on livejournal, and it was not so public as this one, so I always would post more personal things. I also had a habit of posting lyrics to songs I really loved at the time. Well, I'm going to do that again because I have a couple of songs on my mind. When it comes to music I am more inclined to love and listen to the lyrics, and I feel that with pop music especially the lyrics are often the most important part, and the music serves to support them. This isn't always true, but I tend to like those songs better. The problem, as a result, is that lyrics posted in a blog apart from their music sound really dumb. Nevertheless, I like to thing that pop songs are the popular poetry of our time. During World War One everyone loved reading poetry and everyone else fancied themselves a poet. Hundreds of poems were published every week in newspapers and journals and people would memorize them and recite them. Pop music is like that for us now, so much more accessible than it was before. (I mean literally accessible, not in the sense that it was too hard to understand ten years ago, but the sheer volume of music that everyone is capable of listening to throughout their day is remarkable.)

I usually only listen to two or three songs throughout the week, just as if I had picked out my few favorite poems to read from the newspaper for the week, committed them to memory and shared them with all my friends. So this is me sharing a few of my favorite songs to you, my invisible friends out there in Internet void.

I discovered Martha Wainwright this week. She's not the best thing I ever heard, but I love her voice as an alternative to Feist or St. Vincent, someone who seems a little more low key to me. Her songs are interesting, and I'm loving her lyrics. This song is called Far Away.


And here are the lyrics:

Far away
In some lovely way I hear your call
Whatever happened to them all?
Whatever happened to us all?

I know that we've never met before
But that was then, and now I need you more
Is someone here keeping the score?
Is there only dying at your door?
Taking me down off this cross
Lay me down, down, down in the dust
Whoa, love, take my hand across the crowd
I have been digging underground
What'er remains is yet to be found
I have no children
I have no husband
I have no reason
To be alive
Oh, give me one

Green grass blades are all on fire
I own the crack that's in the wind
From your window I see bars & the birds
They sing & they sing & they sing & they sing
And the dogs
They bark & they bark & they bark & they bark & they bark

Whatever happened to them all?
Whatever happened to us all?

Annie had two young baby boys
And Jimi went crazy, crazy, crazy late last fall

The other song is "Capturing Moods" by Rilo Kiley. It's not new to me, but it's one that keeps popping in my head in the weirdest times and I feel compelled to listen to it. Yesterday I was having a bad day, and the song had been in my head all morning, and as I was walking home it came up on shuffle on my ipod. I took it as a sign, then the sun came out and I felt so much better. My favorite line is "There's life and work up where the clouds meet the snow". At that moment I looked up to the mountains and the clouds were there, meeting the snow. It made me smile.

Moods don't command you if you don't know what you're going through
There's love for you up where the population grows
There are friendly people in cities too, just ask them where they are going to
There's life and work up where the clouds meet the snow
And i don't mind waiting
I'm always one step ahead of you if you don't know what you're going through
There's laughs and fun up where the conversation flows

I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time
I don't mind braving the coldest winters of our time
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes

This is your last line of defense
You can sell your baseball cards just to pay your rent, yeah

I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time
I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes

So there you have it, two of the four or five songs I've been listening to all week.