any day now...

I was hoping to wake up this morning to an email informing me that my visa has been approved and is on its way to my house. Alas it wasn't there and my stress level increased by about four points. It's making me think about patience. What the heck is patience anyway? Am I waiting patiently when I know I can do nothing and so I try to distract myself while my stomach grows increasingly queasy and I want to chew off my own hand? Is patience the ability to pretend that you are not waiting for something or that someone is not actually driving you crazy? Is it an innate internal stability and calmness when everything around you is completely out of your control? A couple of weeks ago when I was waiting for the last important document I needed before I could apply for the visa I made myself sick, imagining all the things that could have gone wrong and what I could possibly do to fix it, and it was so bad that when I did get the letter I didn't actually feel any better and a capillary burst in my eye making it blood red for two weeks. This time around the waiting is far worse and I'm wondering what will burst.

Maybe I just need to be more positive. I will get the visa, I will get to London. I might miss the first week of school, all of the orientation meetings and the graduate party in the Tate Modern, but that can be ok. I'll just have to let them know that I'm coming a little late because of the visa issue. Worse things could happen.

On another positive note, I got an amazing new little toy. This year has been the year for gadgets for me. I got an ipod and a new little computer and now my friends chipped in to get me a kindle for a going away present. I love it. I think it's the best thing that has ever happened to books. I already have 200 books on there and it still only weighs a few ounces! I can do searches, I can make bookmarks and notes and now I have books that I thought about reading but never wanted to buy or try to find at the library. It also works well for my scattered brain to switch from book to book without having to pack 3 or 4 around with me all the time. I might even start reading for fun.

Ok, so no worries. Everything is going to work out fine. I will get there, and it will be soon.

still not in England yet...

I'm spending one of my last few nights in Provo tonight, and I'm doing it with mixed feelings. A few months ago when I decided to go to New York for the summer I felt especially anxious, and when I was there I couldn't shake that anxious feeling, so I came back home. This time I'm going to London, and part of me fears that I feel the same as I did in New York: anxious, homesick and ultimately not too happy. But, there is a dramatic difference this time around. I'm excited and more or less at peace with the decision I've made. I'm also committed. I can't just come home when I start feeling lonely. When I went to New York I was running away. Now that I'm going to London I am simply starting a new chapter in my life, one that needs to begin.

Last week I went to see a band I've loved for several years now, Casiotone For the Painfully Alone. It's basically one guy who writes and performs beautifully sad music that has been the soundtrack for most of the anxty moments of my early 20s. This is his last tour under that name and he said that when he's done he'll put the songs away and never play them again, expect when he's feeling sad. I could kind of relate to him. This is a time of change, to put away the past and move forward with a new perspective on life. Maybe I should also put those songs away, those songs that remind me of lonely wanderings through Provo.

I've enjoyed myself the last few weeks in Utah. It's been perfect, and I feel as if I'll have no unfinished business or regrets when I leave. I've focused on spending time with the people I love, going on adventures, and I think have spent my time well saying goodbye to this place.

So now I just wait. I sent out all my documents to the UK Border Agency and they sent me an email last monday saying they received them and that it would take 5 to 15 working days for me to get my visa back. So far it's been 7 working days, and I'm praying that I will get it within the next five so that I have time to buy my plane ticket and get out there before classes start. So unless there's some big hitch I will be in London sometime during the first week of October. It's too bad I still haven't bought a plane ticket and it still seems like a dream.

waiting and crashing

I should be moving to London in 20 days, but it certainly does not yet feel like it's going to happen. The main reason is because I haven't got my visa yet and so have not bought a plane ticket. Everything else is set up. I put my deposit down on my room, enrolled in classes, bought new luggage and new clothes, and still I don't feel like I'm going. As long as I don't have something as definite and sure as a plane ticket, I can't really get too excited.

I have, however, been watching a great deal of British television, and if the place is anything like its tv I think I will be a happy person in a month from now.

Gah. My first class is on October 4th. I sure hope I can get there before then.

The last few months have been good and bad, as I wait and wait with a significant lack of patience I can't seem to bring myself to do much. My job right now is to wait, and so what's the point of reading or knitting or embroidering or writing or anything but sitting and thinking about how I have to wait for documents? I have to wait for emails. I have to wait for things to go through. I know it's ridiculous, but the waiting is incredibly distracting. The document I am waiting for now is the final key to the visa, and it was sent from England 11 days ago. Who knows how long it will take to get here, but I'm hoping I'll receive it tomorrow or in the next few days.

Although my life has been pretty much the most boring thing imaginable, I do have a story. Today was a really lovely day. It's starting to feel like autumn; there was a cool breeze all day, but the sun was nice and warm. A friend of mine came to visit me at my mom's house and he and I went shopping for some clothes and shoes, and since it was Labor Day the roads in Park City were particularly busy. I managed fine until on the way home I made a left hand turn at the end of an offramp from the freeway just as a guy was running a red light from the right side of my car. I didn't see him until he smashed in to me. It was scary, but it didn't feel like it did much damage, and when I pulled over and got out I saw that the guy was ok and that he only had a flat tire, and my car just had a scratch on the right front. Apparently, the corner of my car hit his tire and caused it to explode. We were both driving fairly fast, and I feel extremely lucky that his car didnt plow in the side of mine like it easily could have. There wasnt even a dent in my car, just tire marks and a little scratch. I love my big monster of a car, and I'm really glad the little incident wasn't any worse.

So tomorrow I need to do more than just wait around for the mail. It'll be difficult, but I have things that need to be done, and I need to just do them. I'm going to take the dogs for a walk in the morning and then start working on figuring out which clothes to pack and take with me and which things I'll be forced to leave behind. Then I guess I should figure out some other productive things that need to be done and just do them. I know the next few weeks are going to go by super fast but right now time is killing me.