Thursday, January 29, 2009


This is post is seriously about waterfowl.

I saw the most beautiful birds yesterday in south Provo on my way to work. There's a canal running next to the Novell parking lot where I walk from the bus stop to my job every other day, and on Monday when it was cold and snowy there was a mist coming off of it and ducks were swimming around. Yesterday there were these curious animals that weren't ducks or geese, but looked like a mix between the two. They had rounder, dark gray, bodies and very long legs. Their necks and head were stark black and they had these short little white beaks. You couldn't see their eyes at all. Unlike ducks they were graceful, unlike geese they were darling. I don't care much for ducks or geese, but I loved these beautiful little birds. Ducks are stupid and geese are just mean, and I don't even understand why they have to chase people. The devil's birds, I call them.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How can I not be myself?

A girl I used to work with is in the class that I TA for. She sits next to me on sme days and we talk a little. Today she came to class and told me she was pregnant (and then shared some awfully intimate details that kind of grossed me, and those nearby, out. I mean, we're not that close of friends...) This girl, married and pregnant, made me think about some things. I remember her being very flirtatious with boys, despite the fact that she's not incredibly pretty or smart or interesting. I mean, she's a nice girl, but her confidence always surprised me; well, it wasn't just confidence, a lot of times it seemed like audacity, and that she lacked grace because she was more concerned with giving boys attention. Obviously it worked because she's married and pregnant. So I started thinking about how I act around boys.

Maybe I need to be nicer, happier, bubblier, say and do dumb things for a laugh or to make the boys feels smarter. Maybe that's being mean, but it's not my intention. I just wonder what I'm not doing right. I value grace. I value honesty and forthrightness. I'm kind of shy, but I don't feel like I'm offputting. I guess it could come across that way. I mean, I'm rarely impressed by any guy. Maybe that's it. I'm not impressed so it's hard to act impressed. It's hard to give them attention and make them feel smarter or more interesting than me because they rarely are.

I feel like I would not be true to myself if I change the way I act around boys so that I can snag one of them. I feel like I shouldn't be impressed by a boy simply because he exists. I think he should do things to impress me. I try to be bold. I try to overcome my fears, and I don't care for boys who need to be coaxed and prodded into doing anything.

It's a conundrum, it really is. Do I compromise who I am in order to possibly attract a man so that he might be interested enough to actually get to know the "real me" or do I stay true to myself and face a possibly lonely existence. Honestly, I'd rather be alone than compromise any part of me for any reason or any person.

Only, it kinda sucks being alone all the time.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Our life is not a movie or maybe

I had a weird dream the other night that I was in the tv show 24. Now, I've never actually seen that particular program, and since I don't watch television I can't even say that I've seen ads for it, nor do I know anyone who watches the show and have only heard passing references to it. But there I was, with Keifer doing whatever it is he does on that show. I don't remember, but I do recall being very excited.

I did buy The Lost Boys that day, so I guess Keifer Sutherland was on the brain, although I didn't watch the film until the following day...

I've been watching a lot of films lately, and I think I'd like to try to keep track of them all. Here are some I've seen in the last couple of weeks:
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Diary of the Dead
Wings of Desire (1987)
The Orphanage
Death Becomes Her
The Fountain
The Others
La Jetee
Stranger Than Fiction
The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys
wasn't as good as I remembered it. It seemed to move too fast for me this time, but I still welcomed the familar images. I must have seen that movie a thousand times when I was little. Wings of Desire was wonderful: beautiful, poetic, deliberately paced, gorgeously shot. The Orphanage was scary, but also very sad and poignant. The Fountain was a little weird for me...especially Hugh Jackman as a floating Buddha. Death Becomes Her is a classic and I hadn't seen it in years, but I was quite impressed with the visual effects and I love Meryl Streep so much. Stranger Than Fiction is one of my most favorite films ever. I'm writing a little paper on it this week so I'll probably watch it again. It makes me happy that I've seen this many films so far this year. I'm sad I didn't go to Sundance this last week though. And I haven't actually been out to a movie in weeks, but I'll try to find some time this week to go see Benjamin Button

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Let's go for a walk

This is the first Saturday in weeks that I haven't had to go in to work. I worked really hard at the beginning of the week on the holiday while everyone else was out having fun and I successfully made all my hours in two days. So today I relax. I clean my house and go to the store and do my laundry. I read and watch movies and do something artistic.

I'll be walking to the store. I've been thinking about walking a lot lately while still not actually doing much of it. I know that my lazy lifestyle is not healthy for me or the environment, but having a car makes life so much easier. Except my car has only made my life so much more difficult, and I'm anxious to not have to rely on a car ever again. At least not this one. I realized this yesterday as I was walking towards my car after work and my heart started racing and I got a terrible sick feeling. "What if it doesn't start? What if it stalls in the middle of an intersection? What if it blows up?" I'm scared of driving. I'm not scared of getting into an accident; I'm actually scared of my own car. I learned this fall that a car can turn on you, that you could be innocently standing by when the radiator decides to blow up in your face. It wasn't my car that did that, but it still has made me kind of skittish.

I have a bus pass and I will start to use it regularly. It's winter and it's cold, but I don't mind walking in it. People use public transportation. People walk. Why can't I? Because I am lazy, that's why. I figure, however, that laziness will not get my anywhere this summer when I'm backpacking through Europe and that if I don't want to be in pain and miserable during that time I should just get used to walking.

New Skin

I'm starting up a new blog. I've been using livejournal for the last 3 years or so, but there are always various annoyances the come along with it, so I've decided to switch over to blogger. I'm hoping this one will be more structured and accessible. I'll probably still use the livejournal account for odd thoughts and ramblings. I also have this curious habit of posting lyrics to songs I happen to like at the moment. I don't think I'll do that over here...much. Anyway, this is my first post of hopefully many to come. I'm excited.