|Christmas and New Year's in Germany|
I went back to London and had some productive few months. I spent nearly every day in the British Library, I went on long walks throughout the city, and I ate very well. But I complained all of the time, and there's proof of it on twitter and Facebook. In January I got the worst grade of my life on a paper. It was barely passing and it destroyed me a little inside. I didn't start the year off right in regards to my attitude and it just went downhill from there. I was lonely and put no effort into making friends. I let myself feel gloomy all of the time and I had a couple of little emotional breakdowns before the end of February. But the month ended on a high note when I did well on a major presentation.
|My second home, the British Library|
|Me and Mary in Oxford|
|Me looking serious in a cemetery in Edinburgh|
|Brittany hiking in Scotland|
Adjusting to Louisville was far more painful than I thought it would be. It was much more difficult than adjusting to London, funny enough. But I've learned some lessons. In London I could do everything on my own and I could spend days without seeing or talking to anyone. In Louisville I can't do anything or go anywhere without finding a ride from someone. I needed a place to crash before I found an apartment, I needed help when I hurt my foot, I even needed help with my Halloween costume. And there has always been someone there to help me out. I went from doing everything for myself to often feeling helpless and frustrated, and instead of being grateful for the people who there to help me, I just got bitter about the fact that I needed the help. But that is ridiculous, and I began to see how lucky I was in November to have people around me who care about me and are there for me.
|Me (dressed as an Ionic column) and Brandon (as James Joyce) on Halloween|
I have allowed myself to settle into a dark little crushing box of negative thoughts that I feel like I can't escape. But why? What more reinforcement, support, praise, love do I need? The last few months have been filled with some painful soul searching, and for a moment I thought I had completely changed, that I wasn't me anymore, and I didn't like who I was becoming. But the other night I spent a few hours with a couple of really close friends, people who have known me for years, and after that evening I felt like me again, like the me that they like and that I like. I was myself and myself was not bad.
So what will 2012 bring? What experiences? What adventures? What new friends? I already have a few plans: three conferences in one month and an article to publish. It will be a good year. Probably not as eventful as this last year, or even as eventful as 2010 (remember New York and London?) but it will be good. Hopefully I won't let the little things get to me, and hopefully I'll remember to be happy.