some girls are bigger than others

I was at Target today and there was a rack of $5 tights, really cute tights in all different colors. There were golden tights and some in dark teal; there were pink, red, green tights.  I was ready to buy a pair in every color. Only, the XL tights were limited to black and gray, and they were very nearly gone. The mediums and smalls in the lovely colors were piled high.  I guess fat girls aren't allowed to buy golden tights? Maybe they think they'll sell fewer of them because fat people don't shop for anything but sweatpants? Funny how all the XLs were almost out of stock.

Before that I was with some friends at Kohls and I thought I'd look and see if they have any jeans.  Again, they had them piled high in sizes 4, 6, 8, 10, but very few in 16 and none in 18. I looked around the store and saw a lot of larger women and I wondered where they bought all of their clothes. You'd think that of all the places that would stock larger sizes in misses would be the place where moms shop for their momjeans. Why are fat women exiled to fat lady specialty shops? I personally can't shop in "plus size" clothing stores because a) all the clothes there are ugly and b) I lack girth in the hip and thigh area. A size 18 in misses will fit me fine, and a size 18 or a 1X in "plus size" will fall off of me.

I suppose it's a good thing that it's nearly impossible for me to find clothes, because, as a friend told me recently, I'm kind of addicted to shopping.  I guess it's better to shop and shop and shop and never find any thing to buy than to be surrounded by cute clothes that actually fit. It's saving me money.

Remember, some girls are bigger than others...




In other fat news, I just bought a yoga DVD for fat people. I'm very excited for it because it modifies a lot of the poses to help those of us who have bellies that tend to get in the way. I'll blog about it if it's any good.

I've been thinking about my body a lot these days. My friend shared this really interesting blog post about bodies and sexuality, and it's making me think about and pay a little more attention to my body. I haven't been taking the best care of it these days, mainly because I run on Diet Coke and macaroni and cheese, but I think that will change as I start looking at it differently. A few months ago a friend posted on her blog a really stunning and inspiring letter to her body, and it puts forth a kind of relationship between us and our bodies that I would like to try to cultivate.

Another website that is teaching me how to love my body is called Adipositivity. Before I post the link I want to warn you that this website contains nude and beautiful photos of fat people. If you don't like nude photos or beautiful fat people then don't click on it. Here's the mission statement of the website:

The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not be listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality.  The sort that's normally unseen. 

... The women you see in these images are educators, executives, mothers, musicians, professionals, performers, artists, activists, clerks, and writers.  They are perhaps even women you've clucked at on the subway, rolled your eyes at in the market, or joked about with their friends. 

This is what they look like with their clothes off.

Some are showing you their bodies proudly. Others timidly. And some quite reluctantly. But they all share a determination in altering commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal.  

This website has had an enormous affect on me. It's so easy to hate our bodies in this world; there are so many photoshopped images being pushed down our throats, so many messages telling us that we are ugly, fat, and that no one will love us unless we buy their product. There are so many things about my body that I just can't stand, things I have no control over and feel bitter and angry about. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but sometimes I feel like I am. Looking at this website has first off made me realize that many bodies do resemble by body. I am not a freak of nature. Secondly, these bodies are beautiful. I honestly kind of wish I could have someone take beautiful nude photos of me. Maybe some day.

Finally, in relation to my revelation that there are so many different shapes and sizes to the human body, I want to talk for just a minute about vaginas. I watched the most remarkable documentary about vaginaplasty last week and how there are millions of women every year who have cosmetic surgery done on their vaginas.  I was absolutely appalled that such a thing could be so popular.  I definitely recommend the documentary, but again, a warning first about the number of vaginas you'll see if you watch the video and second, and most disturbing, they do show the surgery being performed on a young woman. It made me kind of sick, and it happens towards the beginning. I suggest you look away.

Anyway, the point is, every body is different and every body is a miracle. One of the most interesting aspects of this movie is something that I actually experienced a few years ago. There is an artist in the film who is collecting 160 casts of vaginas to make into an installation, a whole wall of vaginas. I saw a similar work of art that had about half as many photos of vaginas all lined up on a grid. I was absolutely stunned: every single one is different. It's like looking at 100 faces. Each one is so unique; no one is exactly like the other. I was taken aback at, again, the beauty and the miracle of the human body.

So I hope you're developing a good relationship with your body. I hope you love it, and I hope you take care of it and get to dress it just how you'd like without someone dictating to you what you can and cannot purchase (like golden or teal tights) based on how large or small it is. I hope you can recognize how unique and amazing you are.  I hope I can too.