I miss animals. I miss the country. I miss the desert. I miss my family. I miss good Mexican food. I feel like I'm torn between two worlds. I love London and all of the art, the libraries, the beautiful old buildings, the museums, the history and the culture, the myriad of languages and accents I hear chattered outside my window, but half of me is in Utah. As much as I love Utah, however, I was never satisfied there; I never felt at ease. I was always anxious, always ready to leave, to travel or move far far away. I was always anxious about friends too. If I didn't spend quality time with an array of people throughout my week I felt lonely and miserable. In London I'm alone 80% of my time, and I don't notice it. I don't feel lonely and miserable. I may miss everything I left behind, but I'm finally at ease. Surprisingly, I feel most calm on the Tube. Shoved into a crowded Piccadilly train headed to church or to a museum, I know that all is right in the world and that I am where I want to be. Odd, I know.
my little sister Lindy with some puppies. the North Hills are behind her
I love being in cities, and I love being in the country. My earliest, most formative years were spent in the country, surrounded by beauty and sadness, life and death. Living in the country can be as busy, beautiful and tragic as living in the city.
Some of our doggies. the border collie in the middle was my puppy Bobbie. I loved her more than anything.
We lived even outside the small town, and I'm grateful for that. There's a distinct difference between small town life and proper country life. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it before, but outside of small towns you live a little more distanced from the local politics and gossips. I rarely played with neighbor children, just my sisters and my dogs, and I think it gave me a spirit of independence I wouldn't have got in the small town nearby. I had 20 acres to explore. I was the luckiest girl in the world, and I know that that is what made me who I am today. Like Wordsworth above Tintern Abbey,
Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and of all that we behold
From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye and ear, both what they half-create,
And what perceive; well pleased to recognize
In nature and the language of the sense,
The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse,
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being.
As cheesy as it may sound, that's what nature is for me: the anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse, guide and guardian of my heart, soul and moral being. And yet, here I am in London. Is that strange? Will I ever be able to go back to the country and feel as satisfied there as I do here? I hope so. I'd like to bookend my life with the country, with animals and gardens, fields and mountains, and hard physical work keeping it all from falling apart. If I have a family I'd like them to benefit from life in the country like I did.
yeah, we played in the mud
mom liked to dress us up and take pictures of us in the garden
Tomorrow I'm going to the London LDS Temple and it will be nice to get out of the city and enjoy a bit of the countryside. I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet. I think they also have some geese and ducks by the temple, and I just love ducks!
P.S. My post title is a reference to a T. Rex song I like. I love T. Rex.
such a great post. i miss you.
ReplyDeleteHow interesting to feel happy on the Tube. I think you need a cat. That was a thoughtful and poignant post.
ReplyDelete