the past.

So last year I started this blogger blog at the end of January, but I continued to use my livejournal blog for a few months in addition to this. I was reading through those January livejournal posts and really enjoyed how detailed I would write about things that were happening in my life. In this blog I feel like it's more public so I've been holding back and only posting the things that I find to be the most relevant, and since I stopped using livejournal, which I used to write in almost every day, I don't really have a very good account of my life. So, I'm going to say screw it and just write what I feel like writing in this blog. No one has to read it, and at least I'll find it interesting in a few years from now.

I think it would be interesting to repost some things I wrote a year ago, to help see where I'm at now.

January 1, 2009

I'm having a harder time being as enthusiastic about this year as I was about last year, but at the same time I feel like there is more potential for this year to be pretty big.

I see myself as being largely self destructive and it makes me sad. There's so much I can do, but I don't do it. I don't know why I just don't do things. I sit and watch my opportunities pass. I really do thik the accident has affected me and made me a little meloncholic. I shut down a little bit when I was convelescing. I just watched videos on the internet all day long. I stopped thinking about improving myself. I stopped caring about

what I look like (meaning taking care of myself) because it became so much effort just to take care of my wounds, which I still have to deal with two and a half months later.
...
I need to stay positive. I need to focus on tasks. I feel like I worry so much about using my time wisely that I don't actually use it because i'm thinking about all the other things I need to do. But if i take the time and set it aside and use it for that one thing then I can make sure I'm focusing and accomplishing something.

I think I'll eat some lunch now and clear out all the trash in my room. The next post I make will be about all my accomplishments.

Januray 2, 2009

I woke up today feeling much better than when i went to sleep. I cleaned my room last night and it felt good to wake up to a cleared, vacuumed floor. I read a couple of Conference talks and said my morning prayers and got ready for my day. I was going to take my car into the shop today and then run some errands on campus, but the mechanic never answered the phone so I'm going to assume he took a four day weekend and closed today. Since I have to go up to campus anyway on Monday I figured I would just go to work today and get some good hours in. My plans ended up changing dramatically in short period of time, which usually bothers me quite a lot, but I won't let it today. I can get all these things done on Monday. I need to go to my department office and fill out a change of grade form, add my thesis hours and find out if i have to have my philosophy class approved. Then I need to buy books, get my bus pass and fax some important forms to my insurance so they will pay off all my medical bills from the accident.

I've realized that I need to take things one at a time. I get overwhelmed really easily and shut down. I also feel like i get so caught up in doing and not doing the things that i have to do that I don't regularly enjoy myself. Empty entertainment. I used to get little thrills throughout the day. things I found to be terribly amusing and hilarious and wonderful, but that hasn't happened in a while. It can happen. I can choose for it to happen. I can be happy and joyous.

January 4, 2009

I am ending my three week break and I am so excited for school and something to do. A lot will be happening this next semester. I have to work 20 hours, I'm TAing 10 hours a week, I am taking two classes and I have to do some significant work on my thesis. I'm presenting a paper in April at the Popular Culture Association Conference, which is fortunately already written, but I'll have to revise it. I need to plan. However, not only do I have a difficult time keeping to a plan, I actually tend to go completely against it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can I not stick to a plan?? It makes me not want to plan anything because I know the opposite will end up happening.

January 5, 2009

I had a pretty simple plan for today. Go to school, run some errands on campus, catch the bus and work for 6 hours or so. But as all my plans do, this one fell apart. It turns out that the best time for my professor to meet with me and the other TA is at 2:00 on Mondays. So I decided to stay on campus until then. I can still work this evening, but because I have to take the bus I won't get there until 4ish. Should I bother? I'll have to walk a mile after I get off the bus, and then a mile back, in the dark, when I go home. I can't work on Wednesday because I'm going to the doctor and takes up my whole day. Ok, it looks like I really just need to get the car fixed because the whole bus thing is not going to work when the only time I have to go to my job is in the evenings. The question I need to ask myself is this: Is it worth it to take the bus when it will take me 45 minutes to get to work if I am only working 4 or 5 hours? Let's say I get on the bus at 3:08. I will get to the mall at 3:20 and work at 3:35 at the earliest. Then I'll have to catch the bus at the mall at 8:35 so I leave work at 8. That's not even 4 and a half hours. gah. i cant decide if i'm ambitious enough to do it.

I remember how down I was at the end of 2008 and how I decided that I would work really hard in 2009 to make my life better. I really did it, too. I put in so much effort and by the time February came around I felt healthy and happy. Things slid a little bit after that, and now I feel like it's time to try again. I liked my life in February. I liked how busy I stayed, how hard I worked in school, how happy I felt, and I'm glad that I came to my senses in January and decided to change my life.