angst

I feel like my life is a bit of a mess lately. I feel that this is most evident when I look in the mirror, like how I take care of myself is reflective of the mess I feel like I am inside. It looks like I stopped caring, and while I don't really believe this is true, the disheveled and generally unkempt hair, the bad complexion, the patches of dry skin that may or may not be eczema, tell a different story. The thing is, I do care but it's not translating well into action. Another point of this is the fact that I really want to eat healthy and keep my body in shape. I would like to stop eating meat and dairy, and I have lofty ideals that make me want to never put a piece of meat or cheese in my mouth again, and yet I sit here and eat bagels covered in cream cheese for lunch, partly because of the habit of always eating free food, no matter how much it goes against my ideals, like the big plate of hamburgery pasta my roommate offered for dinner the other night and the quesadilla I had last night. I cannot say no to free food. Also, I started doing pilates the other day, and I know it will take a while to get any good at it, but I was appalled at how uncoordinated, inflexible and completely out of control of my body I am.

Another area that seems to be a bit of a mess are my relationships with a few of my friends. I always see myself doing things and saying things I probably shouldn't, having ridiculous expectations and generally generating a lot of awkwardness. It's like the more I try the worse it gets. Time to back away, perhaps.

Now the question, what in the world is wrong with me? Perhaps the fact that I've never been one for discipline, that I am ruled by laziness, that I am generally a little crazy, that I am insecure, flighty, have a very short attention span, that I lack tact and other essential social skills and am afraid of being too close to people while paradoxically craving attention, that I am too hard on myself, that I am too easy on myself, that I am too proud, and that I am human, confused, tired and lonely. Add in this list that I feel as if I have few personal accomplishments because I get so bored with things that I move on before I ever learn any kind of skill. I am a mess. Now, i'm not saying that I'm special here, I honestly don't know how we as humans can go on existing. I wonder how we do it. What do you do when you feel like you're unraveling? How do you cinch up the lose ends before it's too late?

The most frustrating thing is the seemingly simple answer to the question: How do I bridge the gap from wanting to (or knowing I should) do something an actually doing it? The answer of course is to just do it. Simple. Nothing worth analyzing. The big question then is this: Why is it so bloody hard?

Gah. I'm being kind of angsty, aren't I?