A girl I used to work with is in the class that I TA for. She sits next to me on sme days and we talk a little. Today she came to class and told me she was pregnant (and then shared some awfully intimate details that kind of grossed me, and those nearby, out. I mean, we're not that close of friends...) This girl, married and pregnant, made me think about some things. I remember her being very flirtatious with boys, despite the fact that she's not incredibly pretty or smart or interesting. I mean, she's a nice girl, but her confidence always surprised me; well, it wasn't just confidence, a lot of times it seemed like audacity, and that she lacked grace because she was more concerned with giving boys attention. Obviously it worked because she's married and pregnant. So I started thinking about how I act around boys.
Maybe I need to be nicer, happier, bubblier, say and do dumb things for a laugh or to make the boys feels smarter. Maybe that's being mean, but it's not my intention. I just wonder what I'm not doing right. I value grace. I value honesty and forthrightness. I'm kind of shy, but I don't feel like I'm offputting. I guess it could come across that way. I mean, I'm rarely impressed by any guy. Maybe that's it. I'm not impressed so it's hard to act impressed. It's hard to give them attention and make them feel smarter or more interesting than me because they rarely are.
I feel like I would not be true to myself if I change the way I act around boys so that I can snag one of them. I feel like I shouldn't be impressed by a boy simply because he exists. I think he should do things to impress me. I try to be bold. I try to overcome my fears, and I don't care for boys who need to be coaxed and prodded into doing anything.
It's a conundrum, it really is. Do I compromise who I am in order to possibly attract a man so that he might be interested enough to actually get to know the "real me" or do I stay true to myself and face a possibly lonely existence. Honestly, I'd rather be alone than compromise any part of me for any reason or any person.
Only, it kinda sucks being alone all the time.