Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How can I not be myself?

A girl I used to work with is in the class that I TA for. She sits next to me on sme days and we talk a little. Today she came to class and told me she was pregnant (and then shared some awfully intimate details that kind of grossed me, and those nearby, out. I mean, we're not that close of friends...) This girl, married and pregnant, made me think about some things. I remember her being very flirtatious with boys, despite the fact that she's not incredibly pretty or smart or interesting. I mean, she's a nice girl, but her confidence always surprised me; well, it wasn't just confidence, a lot of times it seemed like audacity, and that she lacked grace because she was more concerned with giving boys attention. Obviously it worked because she's married and pregnant. So I started thinking about how I act around boys.

Maybe I need to be nicer, happier, bubblier, say and do dumb things for a laugh or to make the boys feels smarter. Maybe that's being mean, but it's not my intention. I just wonder what I'm not doing right. I value grace. I value honesty and forthrightness. I'm kind of shy, but I don't feel like I'm offputting. I guess it could come across that way. I mean, I'm rarely impressed by any guy. Maybe that's it. I'm not impressed so it's hard to act impressed. It's hard to give them attention and make them feel smarter or more interesting than me because they rarely are.

I feel like I would not be true to myself if I change the way I act around boys so that I can snag one of them. I feel like I shouldn't be impressed by a boy simply because he exists. I think he should do things to impress me. I try to be bold. I try to overcome my fears, and I don't care for boys who need to be coaxed and prodded into doing anything.

It's a conundrum, it really is. Do I compromise who I am in order to possibly attract a man so that he might be interested enough to actually get to know the "real me" or do I stay true to myself and face a possibly lonely existence. Honestly, I'd rather be alone than compromise any part of me for any reason or any person.

Only, it kinda sucks being alone all the time.


  1. this girl I used to work with last summer, who is is married and happened to have being pregnant at the time said to me: " guys like girls to make them feel good about themselves." and she is right. but i have tried that before and have ended at the bishop's office many times. therefore, like you I believe that a girl should remain faithful to who she is. there is a saying in puerto rico that says: " is better to be alone that with bad company." I believe that to be a true statement. once again jasie, I have to say that we have both been thinking about similar things. as valentine's is approaching and I obviously do not have a boyfriend and definitely not a date, I have been telling myself " screw you guys! I am going to Boston and having the best valentines ever SUCKAS!" i hope you have a kick ass valentines as well. xo

  2. Some say love, it is a river
    that drowns the tender reed.
    Some say love, it is a razor
    that leaves your soul to bleed.

    Some say love, it is a hunger,
    an endless aching need.
    I say love, it is a flower,
    and you it's only seed.

    It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
    that never learns to dance.
    It's the dream, afraid of waking,
    that never takes a chance.

    It's the one who won't be taken,
    who cannot seem to give.
    And the soul, afraid of dying,
    that never learns to live.

    When the night has been too lonely,
    and the road has been too long,
    And you think that love is only
    for the lucky and the strong,

    Just remember in the winter
    far beneath the bitter snow,
    Lies a seed, that with the sun's love,
    in the spring becomes a rose